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Bugs & Cranks
August 14, 2008 at 2:17 pm ET
Albert Pujols Plays for the Cubs?

The StL logo is on the bottom of the shirt.  I stole the hat to wear while dancing.I end up at the bars wearing Cardinals gear a lot.テつ Part of it is because I own a lot of Cardinals shirts and leave the house wearing one of them, then due to either time constraints or laziness I never end up changing before going out.テつ Other times, since I happen to own two jerseys and a few cute things from the Alyssa Milano collection, I choose to wear Cardinals shirts out to the bar.テつ Nothing is sexier than a short skirt, red tank top and an unbuttoned Rick Ankiel jersey.

One of the upsides of wearing Cardinals gear out, especially in Iowa, is that it sparks a lot of conversations.テつ Cubs fans and Brewers fans are everywhere and enjoy good-natured taunting.テつ There is also a decent number of Cardinals fans and it’s fun to talk about the season with them.

One of the downsides of wearing Cardinals gear out to the bars is that drunken assholes like to use it as an excuse to either A) get in my face or B) try (and fail) to hit on me.

Last night, the following conversation transpired at Toad’s,
a local bar I enjoy.テつ The name has been changed to protect
the dumbass.テつ I was wearing an Albert Pujols shirsey.

Yes, this is a Cardinals argyle sweater.Todd:テつ [confrontational tone] So are you a Cardinals fan?
Andrea:テつ [WTF look, sarcastic voice] No, I just really like the shirt.
Todd:テつ In case you need to throw up later?テつ [laughs at own joke]
Andrea: [stares]テつ …Are you a Cubs fan or something?
Todd:テつ No, I’m a Twins fan.
Andrea:テつ […..] Why do you hate the Cardinals?テつ We don’t even play you.
Todd:テつ Yeah, I don’t know.テつ I’m a Twins fan, kinda.テつ We’re doing good this year.
Andrea:テつ [turns back to her friend Dan]

I mean… what was that?テつ What WAS that?

Later in the night, I was standing with my friend Dan, just talking, having a good time.テつ Several men felt the need to unsolicitedly yell, “CARDINALS SUCK!” at me.テつ Fine.テつ Whatever.

But the crown jewel of the night was a Drunk Douchebag in an orange shirt.テつ I got up to play the jukebox and on my way
back to my table (after I dialed in some “Hold on Loosely,”
“Sharp Dressed Man” and “Your Love”) Drunk Douchebag put
a hand on my arm to stop me.テつ Then this happened:

Bird on the Bat.Drunk Douchebag:テつ [slurry] Heeyyyy.
Andrea:テつ Hi.
Drunk Douchebag:テつ Cardinals fan, huh?
Andrea:テつ Yep.
Drunk Douchebag:テつ Yeah, they’re okay.テつ Bet it hurts to see old Albert Pujols playing for the Cubs, though, huh?テつ Heh heh heh.
Andrea:テつ [confusion, then disdain] You mean Jim Edmonds?
Drunk Douchebag:テつ [long pause]テつ I’m just gonna go away.
Andrea:テつ Yeah.

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11 Responses to “Albert Pujols Plays for the Cubs?”
  1. babaoje says:

    Take it off! Wooooooooooooo

  2. A. Siemsen says:

    Careful,it seems this year dipshit cub fans have amped up from asshole douchebag to VIOLENT asshole douchebag. I advise discretion.

  3. Siemsen, I have not encountered any violent Cubs fans. Hopefully they aren’t like Phillies fans, who threw empty beer bottles at me last year when I was in Philly.

    Adorable Koala Bear, are you being a perv?

  4. A. Siemsen says:

    Sorry for the most likely uncalled for vitriol in the comment. I was just referencing the White Sox fan who was beat down by three cub fans and lost an eye. Plus the moron Brewer fan who threw a beer at a cub bus only to have three MORE cub fans roll out and kick the crap out of him. Slight overreaction I would think.
    Throwing empty beer bottles at cute girls is an old and honored Philadelphia Mating Ritual.(Or so i’ve heard)
    I should have been more specific in the comment and again apologize.

    ???Adorable Koala Bear???

  5. X-Factor says:

    I’d tap that.

  6. It’s okay Siemsen. No need to apologize.

    I call Babaoje “Adorable Koala Bear.” It’s a joke about his facebook picture.

    Thanks X.

  7. Ben Layne says:

    Ah, Toad’s. Nice to hear the quality of the clientele hasn’t changed over the years…

  8. Miss Minda says:

    Perhaps the Drunk Douchebag is actually a soothsayer, and some bizarre Pujols-to-the-Cubs deal is actually going to happen in the future.

  9. St. Louis would burn to the ground, Minda.

  10. Jealousy is a drink best served cold.

    I find that a well placed comment that includes something about ten rings and no room left on the fingers usually shuts up most casual Cardinal haters.

  11. Burnsy says:

    Twins fans are allowed to talk trash so long as I keep holding on to that horrid 87 World Series. Nearly destroyed my childhood, you bridge-collasping Nordic dolts.

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