Conservative evangelist Jerry Falwell passed away Tuesday, leaving mixed feelings of deep loss or joy among Americans. In recent years, Falwell sported a rotund physique, but in his younger days he was quite an athlete. Jerry turned down offers from the St. Louis Cardinals and was pursued by the Yankees and other teams. Jerry playing baseball certainly would have put the “fun” in fundamentalism. Here’s a not-so-politically-correct look at what might have been.
1952 — Falwell signs with the Cardinals, installs confessionals in locker rooms of Sportsman’s Park IV.
1955 –Falwell successfully converts outfielder Peanuts Lowery, who breaks down and admits his long addiction to proteins.
1959–Falwell is joined on the Cards by Tim McCarver. Falwell converts McCarver to an evangelical preacher whose obvious statements and inane commentary make him one of the most popular evangelical leaders of a generation. Falwell’s support later in life leads to McCarver’s election to Senate Majority Leader in 1988.
1964–Falwell is joined by Bob Uecker, who Falwell enlists in his conservative army. Uecker later converts Mr. Belvidere to the Lord and stars on the Hour of Power. Uecker hawks Bibles instead of Budweiser in witty 1980s commercials leading to a boom market for Gideons.
1964– Falwell casts out the demons from his World Series Ring, noting that earthly treasures are worthless to him. Sells ring at pawn shop.
1969 — Falwell declares the apocolypse is near as Cubs remain in first place as of September 1st. Falwell’s black cat, Fluffy, mysteriously goes missing.
1970 — Falwell launches aggressive campaign against teammate Curt Flood, who was challenging baseball’s free agency rules. Falwell speaks out against the Union saying, “Labor unions should study and read the Bible instead of asking for more money. When people get right with God, they are better workers.”
1970 — Falwell campaigns to fight Designated Hitter rule, claiming it to be “unnaturral and against the will of God.” Later the ghostwriter for his autobiography comes out as a Designated Hitter.
1971– Falwell signs multimillion dollar contract and releases first book, Stadium Aflame.
1972 — The aging slugger hits 700th career home run, henceforth known as the 700 Club.
1973 — Disgusted with the direction of the Cardinals, Falwell starts his own team, the Lynchburg Liberty and declares himself President, CEO, Chancellor, General Manager, Manager, and Overlord.
1980 — The once-penniless Liberty move into their new stadium made entirely of crystal. Seventh inning altar-calls are less popular than expected, team files for bankruptcy.
1987 — Falwell agrees to be in giant dunk tank for a fundraiser. Luckily, a young Daniel Cabrera misses the target on 10 straight pitches and Falwell stays dry.
1994 — Falwell releases the “Selig Chronicles” exposing Bud Selig’s undercover “cocaine for Miller High Life Light” trading scandal with the Brewers. A silouhetted Tim McCarver gives harrowing accounts of Selig’s tyranny. The extreme fervor caused by the documentary causes the cancellation of the World Series. The Expos were never the same.
1995 — Falwell takes over as commissioner after the ouster of Bud Selig. Ushers take offering during the 7th inning stretch.
1999 — Falwell attacks mascots, insisting that the Philly Phanatic has homosexual tendencies. “Just look at how he moves his hips,” says Falwell, ” no straight man can dance like that.”
2002 – Falwell lets All-Star game go 22 innings, causing three torn labrums, two rotator cuff surgeries and a Tommy John Surgery. Milwaukee burns to the ground after 22 innings of drinking.
2007 — Baseball mourns Falwell’s death. The Philly Phanatic and Famous Chicken thrust their pelvises in reverence.
This article is completely satirical and contains few, if any, facts. If you read this far and didn’t figure that out, you probably should see someone. Its content does not reflect the religious or political views of Bugs & Cranks and is meant to be only slightly offensive.
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