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April 17, 2008 at 12:22 am ET
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Bugs and Cranks Top 30: Week 3 – Worst Rankings Ever?

Or maybe the best?

Ranking teams is hard. There are two distinct schools when it comes to rankings and this week those schools clashed violently at the Bugs and Cranks Stuffed Laboratory of Silly Putty in Lower East Palm Village. Isn’t it convenient that our big brawl occurred in a place with walls made out of jello?

Rankings are usually based upon two things (leaving personal bias out); current performance and expected future performance. Detroit is a great example of this contrast. When the great minds met in the Silly Putty Dome (it’s in between the jello bank and the nerf mansion at the lab), one side screamed for Detroit at the bottom due to poor performance while the other side claimed future performance keeps them in the top 10. The disparity between Detroit’s placement was larger than the $240 dollars worth of pudding we keep in the corner, going as low as 30th and as high as 3rd. In the end of the great battle, current performance won out over future performance and the results lay below.

Before we get to those results, and to Spencer’s rant, let’s introduce this week’s contributors. Joining moderators David Chalk, Spencer Kyte and Steve Hulkower are the Rock lovin’ Mark Townsend, Assistant Rectress Andre Reiher, our favorite Eastern Aaron Shinsano of East Windup Chronicle, and our least favorite robot (he’s also our most favorite, as we only have one) Robotto Clemente.

And now Spencer reveals which side of the debate he’s on via his weekly rant:

Just so we don’t make like all the talking heads who were handing Tiger Woods his fifth green jacket before a ball was struck Sunday and Trevor Immelman won The Masters, I’m done catering to the guys who “should be” at the top of these rankings.

Sure, the Red Sox are the defending champs, but they’re third in their division, including having been swept by one of the teams in front of them. It’s also why you’ll find the Paper Tigers buried in 30th with their heads still firmly planted up their asses.

Besides, this makes for much more interesting rankings in the coming weeks as the warm, fuzzy surprises (Baltimore, Kansas City, Oakland) snap back to reality and the usual suspects (Boston, New York, Verbal Kint) show their true colours.

As noted below, we compiled this on Sunday. Does anyone remember Sunday, you know, back when the Tigers used to stink? Oh well, it’s back to the pudding for us.

Enjoy this week’s Bugs & Cranks Top 30.

2008 Bugs & Cranks Top 30
Rank Team Comments Pvs Change
1 David Ortiz is hitting 1/3 his weight… 1 -
2 Need to sign Byung-Hyun Kim pronto. 4 +2
3 Who has the guts to say Prince needs meat? (Besides Ron Darling). 6 +3
4 As Andrea says; “Don’t care.” 3 -1
5 Sweet Lou really likes to keep Geovany Soto on his knees. 10 +5
6 Fausto is all messed up. Rich, but messed up. And at least Borowski won’t be blowing any more saves for at least the next 15 days. 2 -4
7 On field product giving fans a reason to stay sober. They’renot, but what did you expect from a bunch of Canadians? 8 +1
8 What the hell is Nick Swisher trying to do? Make up for Scott Spiezio’s absence? 15 +7
9 Since when did three good starts in April make you the ace of the Yankees? Oh wait, that’s our theme this week. The three starts in April bit, not the ace of the Yankees bit. 7 -2
10 Yeah, sending Longoria to the minors wasn’t about money.Just give him the AL Rookie of the Year now, okay? 11 +1
11 The Flyin’ Hawaiian has been skewered which makes onePhillies’ outfielder SO happy to get increased playing time. 14 +3
12 Dave Duncan must be as smart as his son Shelley is stupid. The rotation is four former relievers and Kyle Lohse (1.04 ERA) for chrissakes! Or maybe it’s just that they have yet to play a real team and have a ridiculously easy April schedule. Sound familiar Milwaukee? 19 +7
13 KC Royals The future is bright. Unfortunately, the game isn`t played in the future. (Blernsball is.) 21 +8
14 All The Hella Lame Effeminate Teams In Chicago Suck. 24 +10
15 Angel Pagan has been their best player to date. I think thatsays enough, don’t you? 9 -6
16 Uses fences like China uses currency. 16 -
17 If Seattle broke off of the US and floated away with the Mariners, would anyone notice? 18 +1
18 42 42 42 42. Remember us, we signed Jackie Robinson. 42 42 42 42. 5 -13
19 Please don’t hurry Frankie Liriano… 23 +4
20 Even Baltimore writer Patrick Smith thinks this run isn’tgoing to last. 20 -
21 Whatchu talkin’ ’bout Willis? We don’t need him or that fatbastard Cabrera! 28 +7
22 Dusty’s magic puts wind in Pirates’ sails. 17 -5
23 The Rockies are totally schizo. They drop 5 in a row, and then win 3 in a row. What the hell are they doing? 22 -1
24 Huh? The Pirates record isn’t awful…. YET. 27 +3
25 Mark Teixiera is taking the Andruw Jones approach to a new contract: play way below expectations in Atlanta and wait for someone to grossly overpay you in the off-season. 13 -12
26 As Andrea’s late Grandma Donna would say, the Detroit Tigers are “sucking the hind tit.” (Editor’s note: this was submitted Sunday. We apologize to the Tigers) 12 -14
27 (st)Ranger Danger. That’s all we’ve got right now. 25 -2
28 Hunter Pence is worried that getting a hit may actually put him on the DL. 29 +1
29 Can all their games be against sucky teams like St.Louis? 30 +1
30 Baseball’s version of a cocktease: Got their fans all excited with a 3-0 start before closing their legs, going on a 9-game losing streak and leaving everyone in Washington with a case of blue balls. 26 -4
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One Response to “Bugs and Cranks Top 30: Week 3 – Worst Rankings Ever?”
  1. Jim says:

    “Dusty’s magic puts wind in Pirates’ sails.”

    And the Cubs’, and the…

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