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May 28, 2008 at 2:12 am ET
Bugs and Cranks Top 30: Week 9 – The Devil Strikes Back

This week’s edition comes to you on location from the snow-covered shores of Hell, where Satan and his minions are scurrying around in parkas, popping bottles of champagne in celebration of the new team atop the Top 30.

The Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays, those lovable losers who seemingly severed ties with Satan heading into this year, obviously made him a silent partner, as the only way this was ever going to happen was if hell in fact froze over. Turns out, Lucifer was looking for a break from all the heat and humidity of Hades.

Coach Joe Maddon’s boys have the best record in baseball – as Chalk won’t let us forget – and look like they have more than turned the corner after a decade spent in the AL East basement. By the way, Baltimore called; they love what you did with the place.

Contributing to this week’s rankings are the jubilant David Chalk, Spencer Kyte, who is currently on suicide watch and Steve Hulkower and his robot life partner, Robotto Clemente, who are currently on a couples vacation in Antigua.

Please enjoy responsibly…

2008 Bugs & Cranks Top 30
Rank Team Comments Pvs Change
1 Warning: prolonged exposure to the blinding (D-)Rays of Chalk’s brilliance and prescience may cause heart murmurs, rectal bleeding and/or PWD (pinball wizard disease). 3 +2
2 Spencer thinks he could have no-hit the Royals. Isn’t that like just asking to get (highly treatable) cancer? 1 -1
3 How ’bout those Los Angeles Angels of Anticlimactic. Pay no attention to Tuesday night’s game. 5 +2
4 The Cubs being in first just reminds us of the previous 100 years of losing. Is that messed up? 2 -2
5 A 10-16 record outside of the NL West says it loud and clear: F-R-A-U-D. 4 -1
6 First place after two months is impressive for a team paid for with a credit card. Too bad it won’t last. 6 -
7 Who is that large, surly green man? Oh no, it’s…. Frank Thomas, The Incredible Hurt. 9 +2
8 How are these guys the best team in the Central? What is this 2003? 13 +5
9 Kaz Matsui recovers from ass injury, gets compared to Reggie Jackson. 10 +1  
10 Pujols Smash! We know he feels bad about it but it’s just too much fun to watch. Pujols Smash! Bam! Bam! 7 -3
11 Looking like a contender — if you pretend they play in the AL Central. 14 +3
12 Fine, the Phillies are higher than the Mets. Are you happy now? 12 -
13 Why are they so good at home and so bad on the road? Too many guys going Aubrey Huff in their hotel rooms? 21 +8
14 Hulkower doesn’t even care to write about them, so why should the rest of us care? 19 +5
15 The baseball equivalent of Ashley Harkleroad posing in Playboy – it’s okay and you’ll check it out, but it’s not really who you wanted to see. 18 +3
16 Add Jon Steiner to the list of pessimistic writers who are baffled by their team. Welcome to the club, Jon Boy! 15 -1
17 Funny thing is – this is just going to get uglier. 8 -9
18 Woo hoo! Go Penguins! We’re down 2-0 and haven’t scored a goal… Go Steelers Voluntary Practices! 20 +2
19 Dear Dave Tremblay – This is what we we’re all talking about. 11 -8
20 A split with the Nats? Really? 17 -3
21 Nothing if not better than the Mariners. 24 +3
22 If A-Rod can win an MVP with big numbers on a crappy Texas team, doesn’t that make Josh Hamilton a lock if the Rangers somehow stay around.500? 22 -
23 How has Jim Leyland not had a heart attack? He’s got to be smoking three packs a day by now! 26 +3
24 Apparently Dusty has no qualms about using Volquez out of the pen too. It was nice knowing you Edinson. 16 -8
25 They may be 9 games back but they’ve yet to play a game against the NL West. So they’ve got that going for them. 25 -
26 KC Royals Think George Brett’s regretting that playoffs comment yet? 23 -3
27 If I was Giants Closer Brian Wilson, I’d make like his namesake and just stay home for the next, lemme see, three seasons. 28 +1
28 This is the karmic kick in the nuts the Rockies get for that ridiculous winning streak to end last year. And for subjecting everyone to the word Rock-tober. 29 +1
29 I thought smart guys knew better than to catch a baseball with their face? 30 +1
30 Can’t wait till Ichiro decides to say fuck being objective and starts drinking a lot of beers in the dugout and booing. 27 -3
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5 Responses to “Bugs and Cranks Top 30: Week 9 – The Devil Strikes Back”
  1. “Fine, the Phillies are higher than the Mets. Are you happy now?”
    Thank you, B&C.

  2. Rachael W says:

    So nice to see someone not-the-Red-Sox atop this leaderboard, even if is the Rays and even if the Indians are 16th… which, I admit, they deserve. Consider me also baffled.

  3. Mike says:

    Way to go Mets! Finally heading in the right direction – down…

  4. babaoje says:

    Does anybody seriously think the Devil Rays are better than the Sox?

  5. David Chalk David Chalk says:

    Yes. I do. Many people do.

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