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September 23, 2008 at 12:52 am ET
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Hank Has Plan: The Yanks Will Still Make Playoffs

From the desk of Henry “Hank” Steinbrenner Esq. Senior Vice President of the New York Yankees:

Ladies and gentlemen, the demise of the 2008 New York Yankees has been really greatly overexaggerated.

Granted the first 156 games have not gone as well as we would expect from our storied franchise, but I have not given up on claiming what is rightfully ours, our 27th world championship THIS YEAR.

Certainly, we face a challenge more daunting than has ever faced a Yankees team before, but as the great Yogi Berra said, “IT AIN’T OVER ‘TIL IT’S OVER, IT REALLY AIN’T.”

All we need is to go into Toronto, sweep those backwards Canadian bastards, have Cleveland win three more games in Boston, and then we go and sweep three games in Fenway. Then we’ll have a one-game playoff with those damn Sox. Hell, we’ve won five in a row at Fenway in September before, this should be easy. Frankly, I’m insulted that there has been no coin flip to determine home-field advantage for the playoff. Bud Selig has yet to return my text messages on this pressing matter, but soon I will begin calling him personally.

Perhaps some of you believe such an epic comeback is too much, even for the mighty New York Yankees. To you haters, I unveil MY LATEST MASTER PLAN. It will begin slowly with our two team leaders getting Special Unity Haircuts (SUHs), demonstrated here in illustration A1:

Mr. Steinbrenner would like to thank Mr. Brian Hall for his photoshoppery, and wish him all the best for his coming nuptials.

Pure genius, I know.

The idea for Special Unity Haircuts came to me last year while watching the box set of ESPN’s excellent miniseries about Dad, The Bronx Is Burning. I really enjoyed all those Ramones songs on the soundtrack, and I thought, if we ever really need a boost when I’m in charge, it will be “punk rock” haircuts for all our players. I’ve already gotten the boys appointments at Supercuts.

As each successive Yankee victory and Red Sox defeat brings us closer to another glorious one-game playoff victory over the supposed Red Sox Nation, more and more Yankee stars will get SUHs. Wednesday it will be Joba. Thursday, Girardi and Brett Gardner. Friday, Posada, Matsui, Nady, Molina, Rodriguez. For the one game playoff, we’ll give Dad one while he’s passed out. (This is totally the best plan I’ve had since I wanted to inject Hughes and Kennedy with cancer so they’d pitch more like Jon Lester.)

This will be one of the greatest weeks in the history of Yankee baseball and Yankee hair. We will ride the wave of emotion generated by Sunday night’s last regular season game into the playoffs and we won’t stop until we’ve won it all. Because that’s what Yankees do. We win championships and we look like winners when we do it.

It is still our Universe!

Sincerely,

Henry “Hank” Steinbrenner Esquire
Senior Vice President, The New York Yankees

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