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March 31, 2008 at 10:37 am ET
Morons, Your Bus is Leaving

Secretary of the InaneRegardless of the 6 am baseball-bastardization we witnessed last week in Japan, real baseball started last night in the Nationals’ new and gorgeous ballpark.  It was a nice night for the opener: decent weather, two teams that should be greatly improved over last year…oh yeah, and two morons dutifully trying to ruin this night for millions of people.

Moron #1: Joe Morgan
Oh, how I’ve missed you in these intervening months!  Your insightful thoughts on bringing baseball back to the inner city are dreamy!  (“We need to market A-Rod like Kobe Bryant.”  Like a rapist?)  Your ability to repeat the same phrase endlessly fills me with joy! (“You see, Lastings Milledge is a young player.”  No shit.)  Even your incisive reminiscences of your own experience as a black man in the sport of baseball are touching! (“There were more Afro-Americans when I played the game of baseball.”  ???)

Yes Joe Morgan, for being an intractable imbecile, I salute you.  Your jejune analysis and egotistical assertions (did you hear him talk about coming in second for the rookie of the year? Hilarious.) are what make Sunday Night Baseball the most painful of all baseball telecasts.

But this was a special night.  Joe Morgan’s idiocy was raised to a higher power.  Impossible, you say?  Not when you consider the inning and half Joe spent adoring…

Now watch me hit this drive!Moron #2: George W. Bush
After tossing out the ceremonial first pitch to an angry chorus of boos, Bushie made his way upstairs to chat things over with Joe Morgan — evidently, his long-time lover.  Whether Bush was a bit nervous about his upcoming trip to the Ukraine (unlikely, as Bush has not heard of the Ukraine), or just confused by all the bright lights, W. kept his comments to a minimum.  When asked about an inside joke that Bush and Morgan had shared years earlier concerning Morgan being the GM for the Rangers, Bush said only, “Yeah…I remember that.  Well.”  Then he laughed in that schoolboy shit-eating I-can’t-believe-I’m-actually-the-president type laugh.  I can’t either, Mr. President.  This is the eloquence for which we’ve been waiting all these years!

When he was posed with a question about the Mitchell report, Bush again attempted to mystify his listeners: “I’m glad…I’m happy with the recognition that it was a problem.”  First of all, that is a shit-sucking sentence.  But it also reminds me of his response to the Iraq Study Group report: “Interesting stuff.”  He didn’t read that either.

Perhaps the idiocy of the evening is best summed up by the orators’ closing remarks to one another:

Morgan: Have a good time in the Ukraine, Mr. President.

Bush: You betcha, sir.  You too.

Joe, I don’t think he’s going there for a vacation.  And who has “a good time in the Ukraine” anyway?

George, Joe is NOT going to the Ukraine tomorrow.  You are.  Please don’t screw this up.

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7 Responses to “Morons, Your Bus is Leaving”
  1. Rocket1124 says:

    I didn’t know Michael Moore wrote for Bugs and Cranks…

  2. Welf says:

    How does espn not realize that Joe Morgan sucks.

  3. geb4000 says:

    Joe’s right. There were definitely more players with afro’s in the seventies. Everybody was perming their hair

  4. 3Rivers says:

    The Nats should’ve told W to stay home. Fookin’ chump.

  5. C. Watt says:


    Ha-ha, I get it! Because only left-wing nutjobs actually think Bush is a shitty president. All us right-thinking Americans recognise his greatness.

  6. Chad says:

    I have to agree with Rocket on this one. I come on B&C to read and talk about baseball, not politics. I have my own views on politics, but I don’t express them on a baseball blog. Its like going on CNN.com and posting about the chances of the Rockies to win their division this year in the politics section. So what did I learn from this article? Joe Morgan sucks as a broadcaster (which I already knew), and that Jon Steiner thinks the President is a moron. Its a good thing I read this before I clicked “send” on my email to Jon asking his opinion on George Bush. Jon, you do a great job on this site, just please stick to baseball.

  7. Jarritos says:

    Don’t let the neo-cons get you down, dude. That was a good, simple analysis. And shit-sucking is an exquisite adjective.

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