Regardless of the 6 am baseball-bastardization we witnessed last week in Japan, real baseball started last night in the Nationals’ new and gorgeous ballpark.ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â It was a nice night for the opener: decent weather, two teams that should be greatly improved over last year…oh yeah, and two morons dutifully trying to ruin this night for millions of people.
Moron #1: Joe Morgan
Oh, how I’ve missed you in these intervening months!ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â Your insightful thoughts on bringing baseball back to the inner cityÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â are dreamy!ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â (“We need to market A-Rod likeÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â Kobe Bryant.”ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â Like a rapist?)ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â Your ability to repeat the same phrase endlessly fills me with joy! (“You see, Lastings Milledge is a young player.”ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â No shit.)ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â Even your incisive reminiscences of your own experience as a black man in the sport of baseball are touching! (“There were more Afro-Americans when I played the game of baseball.”ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â ???)
Yes Joe Morgan, for being an intractable imbecile, I salute you.ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â Your jejune analysis and egotistical assertions (did you hear him talk about coming in second for the rookie of the year? Hilarious.) are what make Sunday Night Baseball the most painful of all baseball telecasts.
But this was a special night.ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â Joe Morgan’s idiocy was raised to a higher power.ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â Impossible, you say?ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â Not when you consider the inning and half Joe spent adoring…
Moron #2: George W. Bush
After tossing out the ceremonial first pitch to an angry chorus of boos, Bushie made his way upstairs to chat things over with Joe Morgan — evidently, his long-time lover.ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â Whether Bush was a bit nervous about his upcoming trip to the Ukraine (unlikely, as Bush has not heard of the Ukraine), or just confused by all the bright lights, W. kept his comments to a minimum.ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â When asked about an inside joke that Bush and Morgan had shared years earlier concerning Morgan being the GM for the Rangers, Bush said only, “Yeah…I remember that.ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â Well.”ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â Then he laughed in that schoolboy shit-eating I-can’t-believe-I’m-actually-the-president type laugh.ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â I can’t either, Mr. President.ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â This is the eloquence for which we’ve been waiting all these years!
When he was posed with a question about the Mitchell report, Bush again attempted to mystify his listeners: “I’m glad…I’m happy with the recognition that it was a problem.”ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â First of all, that is a shit-sucking sentence.ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â But it also reminds me of his response to the Iraq Study Group report: “Interesting stuff.”ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â He didn’t read that either.
Perhaps the idiocy of the evening is best summed up by the orators’ closing remarks to one another:
Morgan: Have a good time in the Ukraine, Mr. President.
Bush: You betcha, sir.ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â You too.
Joe, I don’t think he’s going there for a vacation.ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â And who has “a good time in the Ukraine” anyway?
George, Joe is NOT going to the Ukraine tomorrow.ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â You are.ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â Please don’t screw this up.