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February 26, 2008 at 12:51 am ET
My Ultimate Fantasy Team

As March draws ever closer, is it time to think not only about real baseball but also fantasy baseball. In lieu of my being able to work my feminine wiles on the B&C crew and somehow draft Pujols, Reyes and Santana with my first 3 picks, I thought I’d put together my other ultimate “fantasy” team. I’m the GM and I’ve searched far and wide to put together this stellar team, so here is my coaching staff and my 25-person roster.

Manager: Morris Buttermaker

He got his team almost all the way there, falling short in the championship game. When approached about managing my fantasy team he said, “Get back to the stands before I shave off half your mustache and shove it up your left nostril!” I think he’s on board, though.

They should have totally gotten together.  He luuuurved her.Hitting Coach: Jimmy Dugan
If we can keep him from scratching his balls every 10 minutes, he’ll make a great hitting coach. He goes for the big win, telling Marla to swing away when a bunt would’ve sufficed. He might make my clubhouse a little strained. When I introduced him to Morris he said, “Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with that little hat on?” He does give good advice about STDs though and is insistent that there’s no crying.

Pitching Coach: Phil Brickman
Good ol’ Phil. He’ll really liven things up around the clubhouse, particularly if he keeps getting locked in the equipment cage. I also like how resourceful and conservation-minded he is: “I wrap the cake up in my vomit bag, and voila!…breakfast!”

Bench Coach: Lou Brown
Old and grizzled, he’ll make a nice addition to the staff. He was hesitant to take the job, telling me, “Let me get back to you, will ya, Andrea? I got a guy on the other line asking about some white walls” but I finally convinced him.

Bullpen Coach: Sal Martinella
He’ll be great with our cadre of pitchers, just as long as he can keep their names straight. He keeps calling Henry “Rulenfurter.”

1st base Coach: Larry Hockett
He didn’t take any convincing at all. When he found out I was the GM, he told the team, “Well if anyone would know you were pulling your hips out early it’d be Andie.”

3rd base Coach: Joe Riggins
Patrolling the other side of the diamond opposite his good buddy Larry is Joe Riggins. He’s already given the players a good talking to, “You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Lollygaggers.”

Scout: Ernie Capadino
He cruises around, finds me new players and then heads home to grab a shower and a shave and give the wife a little pickle-tickle.

Montgomery Brewster

Granted, he only really played in the minor leagues but who doesn’t want someone on the team who has to spend a shit-ton of money on you?

Billy Chapel
A sentimental favorite, but he does pitch his best game on his way out. He’ll eat up some innings for us and help the up-and-comers. He knows how to “clear the mechanism.”

Ellen Sue Gotlander
A cutie blonde Georgia peach, she can take the mound and in a pinch can also play a mean shortstop.

Eddie Harris
I like him because he’s willing to put Crisco, Vagisil and snot on the ball to get a few more inches drop on his curveball. He also really wants us to accept Jesus Christ as our personal savior.

Kit Keller
A solid starter who can be part of the rotation as long as she stays out of her head. Got a little bit of a Napolean complex and likes to swing at high fastballs, but overall she’s decent.

Don't think.  It can only hurt the ballclub.Ebby Calvin LaLoosh
He’ll be the #1 or #2 starter, as long as we can keep him breathing through the right eyelids. He likes to announce his presence with authority, but he’s also good for such platitudes as “We gotta play ‘em one day at a time. I’m just happy to be here and hope I can help the ballclub. I just want to give it my best shot, and the good Lord willing, things’ll work out.”

Jim Morris
Another sentimental favorite, but I think he’ll make a solid closer. He just loves the game. I overheard him telling Chapel, “You know what we get to do today, Chappy? We get to play baseball.”

Henry Rowengartner
An adorable little scamp, I think even at 13 years old he’s STILL bigger than David Eckstein. He’s also key to clubhouse morale, taunting opposing pitchers and is a big fan of the big, hot, stinky cheese.

Ricky Vaughn
His stuff clocks at 96 mph and after seeing Crash help Nuke get himself under control, I think we can work with him. He also told me we can’t cut him because “I’m gonna catch on somewhere else and every time that I pitch against you I’m gonna stick it up your fuckin’ ass!”

Amanda Whurlitzer
A tough little shit, she’ll be a good companion for Henry to hang out with, plus she’s got nasty stuff. It took a little convincing, but at least she won’t take any of Butterworth’s shit.

Crash Davis

Our go-to guy behind the plate. Crash wins my everlasting devotion because he thinks strikeouts are fascist and that there should be a constitutional amendment outlawing the designated hitter.

Dottie Hinson
She plays like Gehrig and looks like Garbo. She’s also not afraid to yank a pitcher, even when her own sister starts throwing grapefruits. Also, who doesn’t want to see a catcher do the splits in a skirt?

Jake Taylor
Won me over with his trash talk: “Hell of a situation we got here. Two on, two out, your team down a run and you’ve got the chance to be the hero on national television… if you don’t blow it. Saw your wife last night. Great little dancer. That guy she was with? I’m sure he’s a close personal friend, but tell me, what was he doing with her panties on his head?”

Tanner Boyle
Another companion for Amanda and Henry, he’s a mean shortstop. He’s also known for his tolerance and open-mindedness. “All we got on this team are a buncha Jews, spics, n*ggers, pansies, and a booger-eatin’ moron!”

Lou Collins
A scrappy first baseman who likes to gamble his women’s affections on whether or not he can hit a home run. Gotta respect that. Also a fan of the trickeration.

Jack Elliot
He won me over because he was a World Series MVP and last season he “led this team in ninth-inning doubles in the month of August!” I also hear he’s got naked pictures of everybody’s wives.

Joe Hardy
Our veteran shortstop who will literally sell his soul to the Devil to guarantee our success. I admire that kind of heart. When we acquired him, he sang a little ditty for us: ” To our women one and all, we will see you in the fall. But for now we’ve got to stall every dame. And think about the game!”

Marla Hooch
It’s been suggested that she play a lot of night games, but she’s a switch hitter who is positively Hornsby-esque. She’s also solid up the middle at 2nd and does a mean rendition of “It Had to Be You.” Hopefully she doesn’t abandon us halfway through the season to get married.

Doris Murphy
My backup 3rd baseman, she’s got a laser rocket arm and can do a neat bat-flipping trick. She also knows to use her head, which is the lump three feet above her ass.

Ya killin' me, Benny.Benny Rodriguez
My starting 3rd baseman, he hits like Pujols and fields like Rolen. He motivates the team with such gems as “Anyone who wants to be a can’t-hack-it pantywaist who wears their mama’s bra, raise your hand.”

Evelyn Gardner

A solid right fielder with a good arm. Once she learns how to hit the cutoff man and doesn’t start crying when yelled at, we’re in good shape.

Archie Graham
He only played in one game, but he’s a stand-up guy who can come in off the bench for us in the outfield. I like his heart too, as he big wish is “to stare down a big league pitcher. To stare him down, and just as he goes into his windup, wink. Make him think you know something he doesn’t.”

Willie Mays Hayes
Our scorching-fast center fielder who’s gonna swipe 100 bases for me.

Roy Hobbs
My very own Rick Ankiel. Sigh. I’m going to put him in left field and let him do his thing from the plate. People will say there goes the best to ever play the game.

Mae Mordabito
My backup center fielder, she’s fast as hell and is known as All-the-Way Mae. That’s not just a name, that’s an attitude. And she’s willing to flash her bosoms to draw a crowd.

Ballpark Announcers
Harry Doyle

Juuuuust a bit outside.

Scott Smalls
He’s an L7 weenie. But he’ll still be wearing the fish hat.

UPDATE:  Per a request, here are the movies I garnered my team from:  Bad News Bears, A League of Their Own, Rookie of the Year, Major League, Bull Durham, Field of Dreams, The Sandlot, Damn Yankees, Brewster’s Millions, For Love of the Game, The Rookie, Little Big League, Mr. Baseball and The Natural.

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22 Responses to “My Ultimate Fantasy Team”
  1. TVBrain says:

    Steve Nebraska, anyone?

  2. Matthew says:

    No love for Billy Heywood? I blame Griffey.

  3. Mike Honcho says:

    No Pedro Cerrano?

    What about Jack Parkman? I know he’d be bad for locker-room chemistry, but the ladies love that Parkman Shake.

  4. AB says:

    Tanner and Buttermaker but no Kelly Leak??

  5. Nick says:

    I made a lineup on this same idea last year…


  6. monkeyball says:

    The starting lineup of Eight Men Out would kick this team’s ass.

  7. One of the rules was that I couldn’t use real players, which is why Eight Men Out and Field of Dreams are not heavily featured. I decided Archie Graham didn’t count b/c he only got to play in that one game and never got an at-bat.

  8. Chris says:

    Seriously, no Roger Dorn? Don’t give me that ole bullshit.

  9. Neil says:

    Jake Taylor thinks that going with three catchers this year is probably a good idea.

    (Wasn’t Jim Morris a real player?)

  10. Yes, Neil you are right. I felt that he, like Archie, was such a brief player that I could include him. It’s not quite the same as including, say, Shoeless Joe or Chick Gandil, ya know?

  11. t dawg says:

    You don’t include anyone from Long Gone. Great underrated movie. Pitcher/hitter/player-manager Cecil “Stud” Cantrell (William Peterson), Joe Louis Brown at C, Jamie Don Weeks (Dermot Mulroney) at 2b.

    Anyone who doesn’t have that movie as reference doesn’t deserve to do this list.

  12. Gilbert says:

    Mel Clark would’ve brought some Angels to help the team.

  13. I’m going to go ahead and respectfully ask you to consider Bobby Rayburn and Juan Primo from “The Fan.” Two all-star caliber players there. Also, the latino guy with the curly mullet from “Angels in the Outfield.” He was legit. The New York Mets 1B from “Rookie of the Year” who says “Mommy! Mommy! MOMMY!” He was a man-ster. And what about Bingo Long and some of his all-stars?

  14. Todd says:

    Oh my god…No Bingo Long, no Leon Carter, luckily Willie Mays Hays made it or people would talk (or post)

  15. mrljd says:

    Don’t forget your umpire – Frank Drebin. Or is it Enrico Pallazzo? Either way, he saved the Queen from Reggie Jackson.

    I know it’s not a movie, but couldn’t we bring up Chico Escuela from SNL for this team?

    How about the pitcher Ray Milland played in It Happens Every Spring? Unhittable, I tell ya.

  16. JONEIL says:

    How can you disrespect Jack Parkman of ML II. Yeah, he’s a clubhouse cancer, but he put up Piazza-type numbers at the plate. Complete disrespect

  17. Henry Tiger Hernandez says:

    Oh my god, why does nobody ever reference what T Dawg posted, the very good very underrated Long Gone. Well said, T.D.

  18. I would’ve included Angels in the Outfield but could not remember actual players without looking them up and I limited myself to characters I could remember. The only person I could remember was Christopher Lloyd.

    Long Gone wasn’t a feature film, it was a made for tv movie so it was out.

    I have never seen Bingo Long or The Fan (I know, I know).

  19. J.P. says:

    Really no Beer League????? Thats a clubhouse right there ya gotta throw in Mick. “None of you fucking guidos drink from my water bottle!”

  20. Dan says:

    No Chet Stedman, he started every regular season game for a Cubs team that won the world series.

  21. john says:

    no stan ross? he did get almost 3000 hits you know.

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