As March draws ever closer, is it time to think not only about real baseball but also fantasy baseball. In lieu of my being able to work my feminine wiles on the B&C crew and somehow draft Pujols, Reyes and Santana with my first 3 picks, I thought I’d put together my other ultimate “fantasy” team. I’m the GM and I’ve searched far and wide to put together this stellar team, so here is my coaching staff and my 25-person roster.
Manager: Morris Buttermaker
He got his team almost all the way there, falling short in the championship game. When approached about managing my fantasy team he said, “Get back to the stands before I shave off half your mustache and shove it up your left nostril!” I think he’s on board, though.
Hitting Coach: Jimmy Dugan
If we can keep him from scratching his balls every 10 minutes, he’ll make a great hitting coach. He goes for the big win, telling Marla to swing away when a bunt would’ve sufficed. He might make my clubhouse a little strained. When I introduced him to Morris he said, “Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with that little hat on?” He does give good advice about STDs though and is insistent that there’s no crying.
Pitching Coach: Phil Brickman
Good ol’ Phil. He’ll really liven things up around the clubhouse, particularly if he keeps getting locked in the equipment cage. I also like how resourceful and conservation-minded he is: “I wrap the cake up in my vomit bag, and voila!…breakfast!”
Bench Coach: Lou Brown
Old and grizzled, he’ll make a nice addition to the staff. He was hesitant to take the job, telling me, “Let me get back to you, will ya, Andrea? I got a guy on the other line asking about some white walls” but I finally convinced him.
Bullpen Coach: Sal Martinella
He’ll be great with our cadre of pitchers, just as long as he can keep their names straight. He keeps calling Henry “Rulenfurter.”
1st base Coach: Larry Hockett
He didn’t take any convincing at all. When he found out I was the GM, he told the team, “Well if anyone would know you were pulling your hips out early it’d be Andie.”
3rd base Coach: Joe Riggins
Patrolling the other side of the diamond opposite his good buddy Larry is Joe Riggins. He’s already given the players a good talking to, “You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Lollygaggers.”
Scout: Ernie Capadino
He cruises around, finds me new players and then heads home to grab a shower and a shave and give the wife a little pickle-tickle.
Granted, he only really played in the minor leagues but who doesn’t want someone on the team who has to spend a shit-ton of money on you?
A sentimental favorite, but he does pitch his best game on his way out. He’ll eat up some innings for us and help the up-and-comers. He knows how to “clear the mechanism.”
Ellen Sue Gotlander
A cutie blonde Georgia peach, she can take the mound and in a pinch can also play a mean shortstop.
I like him because he’s willing to put Crisco, Vagisil and snot on the ball to get a few more inches drop on his curveball. He also really wants us to accept Jesus Christ as our personal savior.
A solid starter who can be part of the rotation as long as she stays out of her head. Got a little bit of a Napolean complex and likes to swing at high fastballs, but overall she’s decent.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh
He’ll be the #1 or #2 starter, as long as we can keep him breathing through the right eyelids. He likes to announce his presence with authority, but he’s also good for such platitudes as “We gotta play ‘em one day at a time. I’m just happy to be here and hope I can help the ballclub. I just want to give it my best shot, and the good Lord willing, things’ll work out.”
Another sentimental favorite, but I think he’ll make a solid closer. He just loves the game. I overheard him telling Chapel, “You know what we get to do today, Chappy? We get to play baseball.”
An adorable little scamp, I think even at 13 years old he’s STILL bigger than David Eckstein. He’s also key to clubhouse morale, taunting opposing pitchers and is a big fan of the big, hot, stinky cheese.
His stuff clocks at 96 mph and after seeing Crash help Nuke get himself under control, I think we can work with him. He also told me we can’t cut him because “I’m gonna catch on somewhere else and every time that I pitch against you I’m gonna stick it up your fuckin’ ass!”
A tough little shit, she’ll be a good companion for Henry to hang out with, plus she’s got nasty stuff. It took a little convincing, but at least she won’t take any of Butterworth’s shit.
Our go-to guy behind the plate. Crash wins my everlasting devotion because he thinks strikeouts are fascist and that there should be a constitutional amendment outlawing the designated hitter.
She plays like Gehrig and looks like Garbo. She’s also not afraid to yank a pitcher, even when her own sister starts throwing grapefruits. Also, who doesn’t want to see a catcher do the splits in a skirt?
Won me over with his trash talk: “Hell of a situation we got here. Two on, two out, your team down a run and you’ve got the chance to be the hero on national television… if you don’t blow it. Saw your wife last night. Great little dancer. That guy she was with? I’m sure he’s a close personal friend, but tell me, what was he doing with her panties on his head?”
Another companion for Amanda and Henry, he’s a mean shortstop. He’s also known for his tolerance and open-mindedness. “All we got on this team are a buncha Jews, spics, n*ggers, pansies, and a booger-eatin’ moron!”
A scrappy first baseman who likes to gamble his women’s affections on whether or not he can hit a home run. Gotta respect that. Also a fan of the trickeration.
He won me over because he was a World Series MVP and last season he “led this team in ninth-inning doubles in the month of August!” I also hear he’s got naked pictures of everybody’s wives.
Our veteran shortstop who will literally sell his soul to the Devil to guarantee our success. I admire that kind of heart. When we acquired him, he sang a little ditty for us: ” To our women one and all, we will see you in the fall. But for now we’ve got to stall every dame. And think about the game!”
It’s been suggested that she play a lot of night games, but she’s a switch hitter who is positively Hornsby-esque. She’s also solid up the middle at 2nd and does a mean rendition of “It Had to Be You.” Hopefully she doesn’t abandon us halfway through the season to get married.
My backup 3rd baseman, she’s got a laser rocket arm and can do a neat bat-flipping trick. She also knows to use her head, which is the lump three feet above her ass.
My starting 3rd baseman, he hits like Pujols and fields like Rolen. He motivates the team with such gems as “Anyone who wants to be a can’t-hack-it pantywaist who wears their mama’s bra, raise your hand.”
A solid right fielder with a good arm. Once she learns how to hit the cutoff man and doesn’t start crying when yelled at, we’re in good shape.
He only played in one game, but he’s a stand-up guy who can come in off the bench for us in the outfield. I like his heart too, as he big wish is “to stare down a big league pitcher. To stare him down, and just as he goes into his windup, wink. Make him think you know something he doesn’t.”
Willie Mays Hayes
Our scorching-fast center fielder who’s gonna swipe 100 bases for me.
My very own Rick Ankiel. Sigh. I’m going to put him in left field and let him do his thing from the plate. People will say there goes the best to ever play the game.
My backup center fielder, she’s fast as hell and is known as All-the-Way Mae. That’s not just a name, that’s an attitude. And she’s willing to flash her bosoms to draw a crowd.
Juuuuust a bit outside.
He’s an L7 weenie. But he’ll still be wearing the fish hat.
UPDATE:ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â Per a request, here are the movies I garnered my team from:ÃƒÆ’Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â Bad News Bears, A League of Their Own, Rookie of the Year, Major League, Bull Durham, Field of Dreams, The Sandlot, Damn Yankees, Brewster’s Millions, For Love of the Game, The Rookie, Little Big League, Mr. Baseball and The Natural.