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May 6, 2008 at 10:51 pm ET
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Panties, They Are A-Twistin': The Title IX Writer Weighs In

Ozzie Guillen is in trouble again. This time it is not for a profanity-riddled rant about Chicago. This time it’s about the locker room shenanigans of the slumping White Sox. According to the Chicago Sun-Times, the White Sox put together a “slump-buster” shrine in the locker room, consisting of “bats … circled around … two naked female dolls, one of whom had a bat inserted in its backside to prop it up. Each wore a sign over her breasts, one saying ‘Let’s Go White Sox’ and the other reading ‘You’ve Got to Push.'”

Yikes.The Association for Women in Sports Media is all a-twitter about it, calling it an “uncomfortable situation” for the female reporters who have to enter the locker room to “do their jobs.” Now, I’m not a member of the Association for Women in Sports Media (though I sent in all 6 cereal box tops, so I don’t know what is taking so long) but it seems to me that the “uncomfortable situation” might, in fact, be from the GIANT FLOPPING PENISES EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK. Not a couple of blow-up dolls. I mean…seriously. Do we not have bigger things to worry about than some stupid locker room prank? I’m actually fairly disappointed it wasn’t a cardboard cutout of naked Jerry Reinsdorf, so that for every W they could add an article of clothing. Nothing would motivate me more than keeping this man fully clothed.

Yes, that is me.  That is how ridiculous I think this is.I’ve been on a slumping team before (what? Jai Alai teams can slump too.) and it’s miserable. Something that breaks the tension, gets people laughing and joking around, and raises spirits is a great thing! It’s a blow-up doll! Those are INHERENTLY funny. Have you ever seen one? They just sit there, like this:

See? Hilarious! It’s not like they were pretend-sodomizing a Samantha: An American Girl doll. (I always wanted one and I never got one. I think I have yet to fully recover.)

It wasn’t somebody tap-dancing in black face. It wasn’t someone actually being sodomized with a baseball bat. It wasn’t a dog fighting ring. For the second time in 24 hours, I will say:

Lighten up, Francis.

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