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June 19, 2007 at 8:16 am ET
Rounding The Bases: Rub My Teats

Regular Buster Olney is a senior writer at ESPN The Magazine and blogs daily (except for Tuesdays) for ESPN.com. Evil Buster Olney is a degenerate that provides a blog each Tuesday for Bugs & Cranks.

Let’s make this quick because I gotta lot of shit going on today. I’m usually sleeping right now, preparing for “Blog-Free Tuesday!” where I wack it to the latest updates on EuroSexParties.com and send hate mail to Woody Paige. But not today, my friends. Besides making my triumphant debut on Bugs & Cranks, I must also fulfill my duty as LinkMaster for the four-letter. You see, a couple of months ago I agreed to be a part of the dumbest fucking bet on earth. These Mike & Mike In The Morning guys decided part of the bet would include the milking of a cow by Mike Greenberg. Since I’m the resident farmer and I’m always on the phone with them anyway, I decided to handle the play-by-play for this ridiculous event. Maybe it was my easy-going persona, maybe it was the Xanex, but either way I agreed to be there. Being that my other blog contract clearly states, “NO MORE THAN ONE DAY OFF PER WEEK!!!!!!!” and I can’t very well compile links while watching Mike Greenberg rub the teats of a cow this Thursday; I’ll be taking care of business on both sites, so you get two of me this morning. Settle down ladies, I’m talking about two blogs.

We talked about the milking on-air yesterday, and you can read the transcript of how gay our three-way was.

  • As the Ladies… enter Round #4 of the “Hot Blogger Contest,” I can’t help but notice one obvious omission. Hint #1: He was once nominated for a fucking Pulitzer. Hint #2: It’s NOT Tony Kornheiser.
  • Within this The Joy of Sox notebook, there is word that the Canadian Associated Press thinks Billy Beane wrote Moneyball. Silly Canadians.
  • Mired in a slump, Carlos Beltran says his quad is fine. It is also noted that Carlos would unlikely decline his All-Star invitation to allow a Barry Bonds start in his home town, as Bill Finley writes. When I asked one NL exec if it would be a travesty if Bonds is left off of the All-Star roster he said, “I don’t give a shit.”

  • As Fire Joe Morgan points out, part of the URL for Kevin Youkilis‘ Baseball Prospectus player card is shortened to “You Kike” — classy.
  • For the second time in as many nights, I was The Man in the Olney master bedroom. Quite frankly, the missus didn’t know what hit her.
  • I was discussing some possible trade scenarios with a few colleagues the other day. I kept bringing up a potential Mark Buehrle-for-Lastings Milledge swap that would solidify the Mets rotation and give the White Sox a major league-ready option in the outfield. While no one was positive that both teams would be interested, we all agreed on one thing: Rihanna would get it. Both hard and fast.
  • The Blue Jays are wondering if they got damaged goods when they signed AJ Burnett to an enormous contract prior to last season. As Mop Up Duty writes, it might have something to do with him throwing a combined 696 pitches in six starts. You don’t say? My personal opinion is the Jays should keep trotting him out there — injured arm and all — until his shoulder physically detaches from it’s socket. Otherwise, they clearly got gypped.

Got a story we should know about? Let us know at tips@bugsandcranks.com. If you have any tips or questions specifically for Evil Buster Olney, just type Attn: Horse Cock in the subject line.

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3 Responses to “Rounding The Bases: Rub My Teats”
  1. Brad Bortone Brad Bortone says:

    The cease and desist order should be a laugh riot

    Great piece, man.

  2. 1) If I ever had a chance to meet Tony Kornheiser I would probably slap him right across the face for screwing up MNF. QUIT RUINING MY FAVOR NIGHT OF THE WEEK TONY AND QUIT BEING NICE TO THE ACTORS WHEN ESPN/ABC/DISNEY SHOVE THEM IN THE BOOTH DURING THE GAME! THE DON’T BELONG THERE.

    2) It was an open-call for entries for the Hot Blogger Bracket, we did not include anyone who didn’t say they wanted to be involved. Sorry if someone got left off the list that way, but so were others.

  3. Go Vandy. The baseball team was supposed to save us from the shame of having one team title in school history – in freaking bowling. But then David Price remembered where he went to school and channeled the ghost of Scott Sanderson.

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