Bugs & Cranks Home
Bugs & Cranks
December 13, 2007 at 2:50 pm ET
11 Comments
The All-Mitchell Report Team

Clemens after learning he'd been named to the All-Mitchell Report team.Some people just get better bang for their buck, and for the former All-Stars, MVPs, Cy Young winners and presumptive Hall of Famers mentioned in the Mitchell report, steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs undoubtedly contributed more to their lifetime totals and legacies than to those of players like Paxton Crawford and Chris Donnels.

To recoup some of the $20 million spent on compiling his report, Sen. Mitchell ought to take the following team on a barnstorming tour of Indonesia – probably the lone place on earth that these one-time heroes would be unequivocally cheered after today’s events.

It must be doubly humiliating to cheat and still come up short, but sorry, F.P. Santangelo, only the best cheaters players can make the All-Mitchell Report team. To the rest of you performance-enhancing, no-holds-barred fools, congratulations. You’re a part of history!

C: Paul Lo Duca

1B: Jason Giambi

2B: Brian Roberts

3B: Troy Glaus

SS: Miguel Tejada

LF: Barry Bonds

CF: Lenny Dykstra

RF: Gary Sheffield

Bench: Chuck Knoblauch, Mo Vaughn, David Justice, Benito Santiago, Fernando Vina, Jose Canseco

SP: Roger Clemens

SP: Andy Pettitte

SP: Paul Byrd (and if Sen. Mitchell’s smart, he’ll throw him in Game 3)

SP: Kevin Brown

SP: Denny Neagle

MR: Jason Grimsley, Mike Stanton, Ron Villone, Brendan Donnelly

Closer: Eric Gagne

NOTES: Team speed is obviously not this squad’s forte. Nor is fielding, bunting, or taking the extra base. Moreover, any rotation that rolls out Paul Byrd and Denny Neagle is somewhat susceptible to sucking. But really, with a lineup featuring Barry Bonds, Miguel Tejada and Gary Sheffield, the All-Mitchell team should simply outmash any opponent. They’d better, because this might be the worst bullpen since the 1986 Red Sox.

Print  |  Email  |  Share/Save
11 Responses to “The All-Mitchell Report Team”
  1. Cameron, I thought you said Pujols would be in the report.

    Wha happen?

  2. Andrea, if you actually believed that I’d procurred an advance copy of the Mitchell report, well, I can do nothing for ya, babe.

  3. Of course not, doofus. I was just pointing out to you that you were…..wrong. : )

  4. Adam C. says:

    At least we do have some proof now that PEDs don’t enhance hand-eye coordination, that or that they can cause the yips. Chuck Knoblauch???

  5. Adam, I’m surprised that more ‘roids users don’t get the yips, frankly.

    Given that steroids bulk up the muscles without strengthening the connective tissue, it’s no surprise that fine motor control and accuracy can go down the toilet — not to mention break down entirely. It’s like keeping the same transmission on your car, but packing nine hundred extra pounds of ham in the trunk*.

    * ‘Nine hundred extra pounds of ham in the trunk’ is in no way meant to reflect on any of the players named, of course**.

    ** But Mo Vaughn is on the list. I’m just sayin’.

  6. Oh, and I meant “doofus” as a term of endearment. Like I cuffed you on the shoulder and then ruffled your hair, Cam.

  7. I don’t have shoulders or hair, but I get your meaning.

  8. Mmmm. Nine hundred pounds of hammmmm.

  9. Nick Kendall says:

    I simulated the first exhibition game. Mitchell Report Juicers versus World Champion 2007 Boston Red Sox. Results in link:

    http://www.whatifsports.com/sl.....&tf=0

  10. If you checked out Nick’s link, did you see who the MVP was? That’s right, J.D. Drew. That guy is awesome.

  11. Adam C. says:

    How about an AL vs. NL matchup? Wouldn’t the “All Mitchell Report Team” be better suited as “Teams” and broken down into leagues? All of the pitchers in the report should be able to hit, at least farther, right? Shouldn’t a shallow fly to RF by Clemens be a 400 ft. shot? The “whatif” game is clearly flawed anyway unless the coach was on PEDs. Why would Canseco not PR for Giambi after leading off the 9th with a hit? For that matter, why would the ’88 MVP be relegated to only PR duty? And how does Dykstra hit 4 homeruns in the real WS of 1993 and not get a hit in the “whatif” game? I call conspiracy.

Leave a Reply

Our Sponsors
Vividseats.com is your premier internet destination for all MLB Baseball Tickets, such as Phillies Tickets, Cubs Tickets, LA Dodgers Tickets, Pirates Tickets, Marlins Tickets, and many more.
SecureYourSeat.com are able to provide you with a great selection of Premier League tickets including Arsenal tickets, Manchester United tickets, Liverpool tickets and Chelsea tickets. We also stock a fine selection of Champions League tickets including Champions League final tickets.
Best online sports betting bonuses and promotions at Sportsbetting.com. Join now the most secure online sportsbook!
For a selection of online slots games and casino reviews visit Online Slots Entertainment, a leader in online slot machines since 2003.
AllianceTickets.com carries all MLB Tickets including Colorado Rockies Tickets, Seattle Mariners Tickets and San Francisco Giants Tickets. They carry all Sports Tickets at discount prices.
With Texas Holdem Masters you can get information about the hottest trends in the popular Texas Holdem Poker game, with strategies and tricks so that you can be a master too. At Gambling Experts your poker skills will be upgraded from being an amateur to being an expert.

windows 7 key

windows 7 key

serial winzip 11

serial winzip 11 key

serial corel draw 11

serial corel draw 11 serials

photo shop key

photo shop key

free corel photoshop download

free corel photoshop download keygen

adobe free

adobe free

winrar password cracker serial

wirar password cracker

winrar 3 download

winrar 3 download freedownload

office 2010 professional key

office 2010 key

download photo shop free

photo shop serial

free winrar download for xp

download winrar for xp for free

cs5 serialz

cs5 serialz free

windows 7 free

windows 7 crack

free corel downloads

free corel downloads cracked

office 2010 free

office 2010 key

key office 2010

office 2010 key

photoshop key

photoshop key

windows key

windows key

corel dvd moviefactory 6

corel dvd moviefactory 6 downloads