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December 13, 2007 at 2:50 pm ET
The All-Mitchell Report Team

Clemens after learning he'd been named to the All-Mitchell Report team.Some people just get better bang for their buck, and for the former All-Stars, MVPs, Cy Young winners and presumptive Hall of Famers mentioned in the Mitchell report, steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs undoubtedly contributed more to their lifetime totals and legacies than to those of players like Paxton Crawford and Chris Donnels.

To recoup some of the $20 million spent on compiling his report, Sen. Mitchell ought to take the following team on a barnstorming tour of Indonesia – probably the lone place on earth that these one-time heroes would be unequivocally cheered after today’s events.

It must be doubly humiliating to cheat and still come up short, but sorry, F.P. Santangelo, only the best cheaters players can make the All-Mitchell Report team. To the rest of you performance-enhancing, no-holds-barred fools, congratulations. You’re a part of history!

C: Paul Lo Duca

1B: Jason Giambi

2B: Brian Roberts

3B: Troy Glaus

SS: Miguel Tejada

LF: Barry Bonds

CF: Lenny Dykstra

RF: Gary Sheffield

Bench: Chuck Knoblauch, Mo Vaughn, David Justice, Benito Santiago, Fernando Vina, Jose Canseco

SP: Roger Clemens

SP: Andy Pettitte

SP: Paul Byrd (and if Sen. Mitchell’s smart, he’ll throw him in Game 3)

SP: Kevin Brown

SP: Denny Neagle

MR: Jason Grimsley, Mike Stanton, Ron Villone, Brendan Donnelly

Closer: Eric Gagne

NOTES: Team speed is obviously not this squad’s forte. Nor is fielding, bunting, or taking the extra base. Moreover, any rotation that rolls out Paul Byrd and Denny Neagle is somewhat susceptible to sucking. But really, with a lineup featuring Barry Bonds, Miguel Tejada and Gary Sheffield, the All-Mitchell team should simply outmash any opponent. They’d better, because this might be the worst bullpen since the 1986 Red Sox.

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11 Responses to “The All-Mitchell Report Team”
  1. Cameron, I thought you said Pujols would be in the report.

    Wha happen?

  2. Andrea, if you actually believed that I’d procurred an advance copy of the Mitchell report, well, I can do nothing for ya, babe.

  3. Of course not, doofus. I was just pointing out to you that you were…..wrong. : )

  4. Adam C. says:

    At least we do have some proof now that PEDs don’t enhance hand-eye coordination, that or that they can cause the yips. Chuck Knoblauch???

  5. Adam, I’m surprised that more ‘roids users don’t get the yips, frankly.

    Given that steroids bulk up the muscles without strengthening the connective tissue, it’s no surprise that fine motor control and accuracy can go down the toilet — not to mention break down entirely. It’s like keeping the same transmission on your car, but packing nine hundred extra pounds of ham in the trunk*.

    * ‘Nine hundred extra pounds of ham in the trunk’ is in no way meant to reflect on any of the players named, of course**.

    ** But Mo Vaughn is on the list. I’m just sayin’.

  6. Oh, and I meant “doofus” as a term of endearment. Like I cuffed you on the shoulder and then ruffled your hair, Cam.

  7. I don’t have shoulders or hair, but I get your meaning.

  8. Mmmm. Nine hundred pounds of hammmmm.

  9. Nick Kendall says:

    I simulated the first exhibition game. Mitchell Report Juicers versus World Champion 2007 Boston Red Sox. Results in link:


  10. If you checked out Nick’s link, did you see who the MVP was? That’s right, J.D. Drew. That guy is awesome.

  11. Adam C. says:

    How about an AL vs. NL matchup? Wouldn’t the “All Mitchell Report Team” be better suited as “Teams” and broken down into leagues? All of the pitchers in the report should be able to hit, at least farther, right? Shouldn’t a shallow fly to RF by Clemens be a 400 ft. shot? The “whatif” game is clearly flawed anyway unless the coach was on PEDs. Why would Canseco not PR for Giambi after leading off the 9th with a hit? For that matter, why would the ’88 MVP be relegated to only PR duty? And how does Dykstra hit 4 homeruns in the real WS of 1993 and not get a hit in the “whatif” game? I call conspiracy.

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