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December 7, 2007 at 5:27 pm ET
The Bottom 30: Why Every Team Sucks

That's right MLB.  I'm talking to you.Due to poor decisions by players, managers, owners and a commissioner (who shall remain nameless) Major League Baseball had an ugly year. Steroids, HGH, DUIs, domestic disputes, tragic deaths, inflated salaries, a ridiculous All Star game, Grand Jury testimonies, raids, indictments and a very lopsided World Series smudged the reputation of America’s pastime. During the regular season Bugs and Cranks would rattle off a weekly Top 30 list, giving credit to baseball’s best teams. In light of all of baseball’s aforementioned shenanigans, not to mention a crummy free agent crop this off season, here’s the inaugural Bottom 30: A look at why every team sucks. Enjoy.

30. Orioles: Everyone wants Erik Bedard and you just know the Orioles will do something stupid with him.

30. Red Sox: They cried that the Yankees were the evil empire. Now the Red Sox have become everything they hated about their archrivals… and more. Apparently hypocrisy wins championships.

30. Yankees: Tweedle Dee Steinbrenner and Tweedle Dumb Steinbrenner have already hatched a plan to waste a ton of money to get the Yanks in a position to crumble in the playoffs.

30. Rays: The “Devil” in their name was the only thing they had going for them. Now they’re just the Pirates with a more pansy sounding name.

30. Blue Jays: The Canadian dollar is actually worth more than the American dollar now. As Canada’s only MLB representative, I blame the Blue Jays. Stop making America look bad.

30. White Sox: Ozzie Guillen insists on being the biggest superstar on the team.

30. Indians: They should have drilled Manny Ramirez when they had the chance.

30. Tigers: They’re too good. They have the greatest line up in recent memory, and
a pretty damn good pitching staff to boot. Doesn’t seem fair does it?

30. Royals: Do I really need to tell you why the Royals suck? Oh, and they just got Jose Gullien.

30. Twins: Francisco Liriano is back. They get Delmon Young to be the big bat between Mauer and Morneau they’ve been lacking. And now they want to trade Santana and ruin everything.

30. Angels: They paid out the ass for Torii Hunter. I hope they like good defense and offensive numbers that reek of underachievement.

30. A’s: They seem the most likely candidate to end up with Barry Bonds… which makes them instantly suck.

30. Mariners: They hog all the good Japanese players.

30. Rangers: Their make up of bad pitching and a terrifying offense has, over the past 2 years, been reduced to just bad pitching.

30. Braves: They’ve been lying about Julio Franco’s age for years. He’s actually 106.

30. Marlins: They traded away their best hitter and best pitcher, and the guys they got in return will probably win them a World Series in 3 years. Because that’s what the Marlins do.

30. Mets: They’ll always be second fiddle to the Yankees, but they’ll still get more hype and coverage than any other team in the National League.

30. Phillies: They finally had a good season, so now the players are contemplating throwing batteries at the fans.

30. Nationals: Their dental plan is too good. Dimitri Young was way funnier with braces.

30. Cubs: The “team to beat” in the NL Central is oh so very beatable. I guess that makes them the shit… of the shit.

30. Reds: New manager, new closer, same dead team. On the bright side, there’s always a new strikeout record to set.

30. Astros: Bye-bye Biggio. Hello, Hunter Pence? Don’t believe the hype. This team will suck once again. And we can always gripe about that God-awful hill in center field.

30. Brewers: They have their first winning season in decades and now they’re trying to deal Bill Hall and Ben Sheets? Ownership needs to grow a pair, spend some money and stick it to the Cubs.

30. Pirates: The only thing that sucks worse than the Pirates is the WNBA.

30. Cardinals: They raised ticket prices so that people could tune in to Bitch Fest 2008 staring Scott Rolen and Tony LaRussa. Maybe all this drama was created to divert attention from the fact that this team is going to be horrible.

30. Diamondbacks: How the hell do you make the playoffs when you allow more runs than you score? What nonsensical thing will they do in 2008 to get to October? Hit under .100 as a team with 500 solo homeruns?

30. Rockies: I can’t stand that giant vein in Clint Hurdle’s forehead. It’s bigger than a chocolate éclair.

30. Dodgers: You gave $36 million to Andruw Jones.

30. Padres: The most boring, successful baseball team ever. It’s like watching the mid-90s New Jersey Devils and their sleep-inducing neutral zone trap.

30. Giants: Only one Barry left on the team, but he’s also grossly overpaid. They should stop signing guys named Barry. Seriously.

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6 Responses to “The Bottom 30: Why Every Team Sucks”
  1. Matt Brown says:


    That is all.

  2. twoeightnine says:

    Since the Canadian dollar is now worth less than the American dollar does that mean that the Blue Jays will now win the World Series?

  3. Steve says:

    As the honorary Marlins defender, I must inform you that the best hitter on the Marlins last season was Hanley Ramirez and the best pitcher was Henry Owens or Lee Gardner and maybe Josh Johnson. However, I do appreciate your optimism of a Marlins WS bid. Realistically, we’re looking at 2012-2013.

  4. Evans says:

    Sports are stupid. Reruns of Spin City are awesome.

  5. Whipps says:

    Nicely done my good man, nicely done.

    My favorite:

    “The only thing that sucks worse than the Pirates is the WNBA.”

  6. Dustin says:

    This was just brilliant. That’s really all I can say.
    This is my favorite part:
    30. Marlins: They traded away their best hitter and best pitcher, and the guys they got in return will probably win them a World Series in 3 years. Because that’s what the Marlins do.

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