Bugs & Cranks Home
Bugs & Cranks
July 24, 2007 at 11:06 pm ET
19 Comments
The Darryl Strawberry All-Stars

(aka The All-Felon Squad)

In light of the recent multiple arrests occurring in professional sports, I figured now was the perfect time to take advantage and put together an All-Star Team of current and former MLB felons. I managed to fill a 20-man roster along with a Manager, 1st & 3rd Base Coaches and General Manager. Enjoy the abundance of criminal activity!

 

After the jump, check out the roster…

Darren Daulton (Catcher) — Dutch confesses, “I’ve been thrown in jail five or six times. [My wife] thinks I’m crazy. She blames everything on drugs and drinking. But I don’t take drugs and I’m not a drunk. [She] just doesn’t understand metaphysics.” And apparently neither do the police. Daulton has at least three Dewey’s (DUI’s) to date; the most famous of which occurred on January 3, 2001 when he was involved in a single-car accident and claimed he was run off of the road because of a failed business deal with ties to the FBI and the White House. Dutchie also has a domestic violence charge on his resumé and spent two months in jail in 2004 stemming from a contempt of court after refusing to abide by the terms of a legal agreement related to the divorce. It’s a wonder why he’d care about the terms of a divorce when the world’s just gonna end December 21, 2012 anyways. According to the Tao of Daulton, that is.

Pedro Guerrero (First Base) — By far the funniest arrest on the squad, Guerrero set up a drug deal in ’99 that would net him 15 keys of coke in exchange for a $200,000 payment. Little did he know, his connects were actually an undercover agent and an FBI informant. After the Feds delivered fake coke to one of his “business associates,” Pedro and his friend, Lary Mercedes, were promptly arrested at Guerrero’s home. Even though there was plenty of evidence stacked against him, Pedro’s lawyer claimed that he was so stupid that his client had no idea what he was getting into. His lawyer revealed to the courts that Guerrero dropped out of sixth grade in his native Dominican Republic, has an IQ of 70, can not perform simple tasks such as writing a check or making a bed, and receives a small weekly allowance from his wife. And guess what? It worked! In June of 2000, Pedro Guerrero was cleared of all charges.

Wally Backman (Second Base) — You may remember Wally Backman from such teams as “The World Champion 1986 Mets” or “NL East Champion 1990 Pittsburgh Pirates” — but most remember him for being the shortest tenured coach this side of George O’Leary. (I don’t even know what that means) On November 1, 2001, Backman was hired to be the Arizona D-Bags new manager. On November 5, 2001, after The New York Times exposed Wally’s shady past, he was promptly fired. Backman’s shady past included a 2001 Dewey arrest in Washington State, an arrest involving “an altercation” with his wife at their home in Prineville, Oregon and a boatload of financial trouble that caused the former second baseman to declare bankruptcy to avoid paying over 20 creditors, including the IRS. But don’t worry, Backman settled down nicely to become the batshit-crazy manager for the South Georgia Peanuts.

Rafael Furcal (Shortstop) — The former Braves ROY is no stranger to getting arrested. In 2000, Furcal was pulled over in Cobb County, Georgia and charged with his first Dewey. He managed to stave off jail time until 2004, when he began serving his 21-day jail sentence exactly one day after the Braves were eliminated from in the Division Series of the playoffs. However, just two days into his sentence, Furcal pleaded guilty to his 2nd drunk driving charge — along with speeding and reckless driving. Raffy isn’t exactly the worst felon on the list, but this team needed a shortstop.

Ken Caminiti (Third Base) — via The Smoking Gun,

Late baseball star Ken Caminiti was arrested by Texas cops in November 2001 after he was found in a Houston motel with cocaine. The 38-year-old All-Star third baseman pleaded guilty to felony drug possession in March 2002 and was sentenced to three years probation, fined $2000, ordered to do 200 hours of community service, and attend drug, alcohol, and psychological counseling.

I’d like to write something witty here, but a.) it’s not polite to make fun of the dead and b.) who hasn’t got caught with coke in a Houston motel? I mean, assuming you’ve been to Houston and dig coke.

Darryl Strawberry (Outfield)

[takes deep breath]

On January 12, 1990, two days after blood tests proved he fathered another woman’s child, Strawberry was arrested in Los Angeles for allegedly slapping his wife, Lisa, and threatening her with a pistol. On September 17, 1993, Strawberry was arrested for hitting his girlfriend, Charisse Simon, who was three-months pregnant at the time. Reportedly, witnesses said she had been hitting him with a bat near where he had earlier had surgery. She later refused to press charges. On December 20, 1994, Strawberry and his agent were indicted for failing to report more than $300,000 of income from autograph and memorabilia shows. On April 29, 1995, Strawberry was ordered to repay $450,000 in back taxes and sentenced to six months of home confinement. On April 3, 1999, Strawberry was arrested in Tampa, Florida for soliciting sex from a police woman posing as a prostitute and for having a small amount of cocaine. On April 24, he was suspended for 140 days by Major League Baseball for the incident. On May 29, he pleaded no contest to the charges and was sentenced to 21 months probation and community service. On September 11, 2000, in Tampa, Strawberry tried to drive to see his probation officer after taking painkillers. While driving, he blacked out, rear-ended another car, and then tried to drive away. An off-duty police officer witnessed the episode and arrested him at gunpoint. The next day, Strawberry admitted to the charges and his probation was changed to two years of house arrest. On November 21, he was sentenced to a year of probation and community service. On March 12, 2002, Strawberry was back in jail for violating several non-drug rules at the drug treatment center where he was on probation in Ocala, Florida. On April 29, he was ordered to serve the 22-month suspended prison sentence from 1999. On September 17, 2005, Strawberry reported his sport utility vehicle had been stolen from a Miami, Florida gas station but the station’s surveillance video showed Strawberry leaving as a passenger in another vehicle. A tipster then told police that Strawberry had earlier left his SUV behind a sports bar and given her the keys. He was later charged with filing a false police report.

[exhales]

Whew! Obviously, it’s clear why the squad bears Darryl’s name.

Jose Canseco (Outfield) — via ESPN,

Another class act; Canseco also managed to rat out numerous major league steroid abusers in his 2006 book, Juiced. Oh, and in case you were wondering, my favorite Canseco arrest was the Halloween 2001 nightclub brawl with his brother Ozzie, when he sent a man to the hospital with a broken nose for “grabbing Jose’s date inappropriately and becoming aggressive.” Ummm, howyousay… roid rage?

Kevin Mitchell (Outfield) — On August 31, 1999, Mitchell was arrested by San Diego Police and charged with felony battery. The victim? Kevin’s father, Earl, who was renting a house from his son. And when he didn’t come up with his monthly payment, the younger Mitchell punched his dad in the face. Gangsta! Big Earl suffered a one-inch laceration on his head, not too bad considering he got clocked with the same paw that once snagged a fly ball barehanded. I assume this was an isolated incident and refuse to accept that this is the same guy whom Doc Gooden once claimed to have cut the throat of his girlfriend’s cat during an argument. Nah, I don’t believe that, Kevin’s just not that kind of guy.

Albert Belle (Designated Hitter) — Media darling Joey Albert Belle, like Jose Canseco, also had a run-in with the law on Halloween. October 31st, 1995, four teenagers egged Albert’s house while trick-or-treating. (Isn’t mischief night on the 30th?) Albert obviously wasn’t in the mood for that kinda nonsense, so he jumped in his pickup truck and proceeded to run down the little bastards through a muddy field. I’ll let Big Al take it from here, “As soon as I caught up with him, I slammed on the brakes and was jumping out of the car and was going to run after him,” Belle said. “It was raining and it was kind of mucky back there. The truck kind of skidded, or whatever, and it slid and bumped him,” he said. “He fell down and as soon as he fell down, he jumped back up and started running.” See? Albert wasn’t trying to kill the kids, he just wanted to talk to them, but the truck kinda skidded or whatever and he just gently tapped the boy. No big deal. Belle ended up being charged with reckless operation of a vehicle and paid a $100 fine. There’s also that pesky stalking charge, where he put a Global Positioning System tracking device on his ex-girlfriend’s car, but that’s in the past.

Juan Uribe (Bench) — Juan Uribe denies all involvement with the Darryl Strawberry All-Stars.

Jason Michaels (Bench) — It’s a shame. Jason Michaels isn’t even good enough to crack the starting lineup on a hypothetical felon team. That doesn’t, however, detract from the severity of Jason’s crime. On July 3rd, 2005, after a game with the Atlanta Braves, then-Phillie Jason Michaels went clubbing in the Old City section of Philadelphia. Around 3 A.M. when the club was clearing out, Police were present to help disperse the drunkards and everyone cooperated. Well, everyone except J-Mike, who doesn’t like being told what to do so he decided to take action into his own hands. “He punched a Philadelphia police officer and wrestled him to the ground, in the process ripping the police officer’s shirt,” Philadelphia Police Cpl. Jim Pauley said. “It took four officers to control him.” Michaels was charged with aggravated assault on a police officer, simple assault and reckless endangerment. I believe that’s the cop-whoopin’ trifecta.

Dwight Gooden (Starting Pitcher) — Too depressing. Plus, I’m trying to keep this post under 10,000 words.

Denny McLain (Starting Pitcher) — via Maxim,

McLain won 31 games in 1968 on the way to a World Series ring, but that was the high point for this lowlife. Two years later he was caught consorting with gamblers and was suspended for much of the 1970 season. He left the game soon after, but in 1985 he got busted for racketeering, loansharking, extortion, and cocaine possession—the dirtball equivalent of hitting for the cycle. After his release, McLain played the organ at a Michigan bar where Leon Spinks was the bartender (no, really). He couldn’t stay clean and was convicted in 1996 for his part in a meat packers’ pension-fund swindle.

Admittedly, I don’t know much about Denny. But I imagine his book would be a fun read.

Kenny Rogers (Starting Pitcher) — via The Smoking Gun,

Petulant Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers was booked in July 2005 on a misdemeanor assault charge for roughing up a TV cameraman. During a 30-minute stop at the Tarrant County Jail, the All-Star, 40, was photographed, fingerprinted, and released after posting $1500 bond. He faces a maximum of a year in the can and a $4000 fine if convicted of shoving cameraman Larry Rodriguez to the ground prior to a June 29 game against the Angels.

Petulant is actually an incredible adjective to describe The Gambler, well done TSG. When he’s not shoving cameramen to the ground for no apparent reason, Kenny can be seen smudging pine tar on his palm during World Series games.

Dontrelle Willis (Starting Pitcher)On December 22, 2006, ‘Trelle was pulled over Ahhhhh, forget it. One rule I try and follow as a blogger: If the fellas from The Dugout wrote about it, don’t even bother covering it. Cause it’s not as good.

**DUI-Train also features the comedic stylings of The Brothers Young and LadyCop, so be sure to click that link**

Denny Neagle (Starting Pitcher) — according to the Rocky Mountain News,

Colorado Rockies pitcher Denny Neagle was arrested early Friday for allegedly paying a woman $40 for oral sex. Neagle was pulled over by police for speeding on a Denver street, at which time an officer noticed the pitcher’s watery and bloodshot eyes and detected an odor of alcohol. The officer also noticed Neagle’s pants were undone, and when queried about it, Neagle reportedly told the officer that he was “just getting comfortable.” But a woman inside the car told police she had performed oral sex on Neagle for a fee of $40, and Neagle, who then admitted he was in the area looking for sex, was ticketed for solicitation of prostitution by police. His $40 was seized as evidence, and police informed him of an impending court date.

Everybody: “Way to go Denny!”

And don’t try and act like you’re a better man than he. Besides, when your eyes are watery and bloodshot and you stink like booze, there’s practically no difference between a $40 blowjob and a $400 blowjob. Trust me.

Steve Howe (Relief Pitcher) — Steve Howe is currently serving a 2-year suspension from the Darryl Strawberry All-Stars. In heaven.

Frank Francisco (Relief Pitcher)
Frankie’s crime is unique in the sense that it is the only one to occur during a game. On September 13, 2004, Francisco was arrested on a charge of aggravated battery after he threw a chair into the right-field box seats and hit two spectators in the head during a game against the Oakland A’s. He was then taken from the stadium to jail, where he was booked and his mug shot was taken. [see above: bottom left] Frank was suspended for the remainder of the season.

Ugueth Urbina (Relief Pitcher) — self-gratification via Bugs & Cranks,

Urbina got 14 years in jail stemming from an attempted murder charge on 5 workers from his family ranch just south of Caracas. On October 6th, 2005, Oogie made a surprise visit to [his Venezuelan] ranch to find workers bathing in his swimming pool. Urbina had testified that he reprimanded the ranch hands and went to sleep. The court says Urbina reprimanded the ranch hands, tied them up, attacked them with a machete and poured gasoline on them. Unfortunately for Oogie, the courts won. The report didn’t mention whether or not Urbina danced around the victims while singing “Stuck In The Middle With You.”

Stay strong, Oogie.

Jeff Reardon (Closer) — The owner of 367 career saves (6th all-time) was one hell of closer, but you can’t say the same for his bank-robbing abilities. In December of 2005 Jeff entered Hamilton Jewelers at the Gardens Mall in Florida and handed over a note saying that he had a gun and the store was being robbed. Reardon “fled” the store with a whopping $170 and was caught by police eating dinner at a nearby restaurant. It was basically an act of depression; he didn’t even have a gun. But he was arrested so I’d have to be an idiot not to give him the closer’s role.

Tony LaRussa (Manager)– I’m sure you’ve heard about LaRussa’s Spring Training Dewey arrest, but make sure you check out the thumbnail below. It’s how LaRussa performed during the “Roadside Tasks” portion of the sobriety test.

The best part is the Romberg/Alphabet test. According to the report,

The task was explained and demonstrated to LaRussa. Upon reciting the alphabet [he] stated it incorrectly by reciting the following: a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,i,z,m,n,o,p,q,r,s,t,v,z,t,u,v……….x,y,z with a pause

And that was after a quick nap in his Ford! Lightweight.

Bobby Cox (1B Coach)

Q: How did Bobby Cox’s wife get two black eyes?

A: Because she didn’t listen the first time.

Dick Williams (3B Coach) — On January 17, 2000, the appropriately named ex-A’s & Mariners skipper was staying at a local hotel while attending a Fantasy Baseball camp in Fort Meyers, Florida. In obvious need of excercise, the 70-year old stepped out of his room for a stroll around the property. The only problem was — Dick was naked…aaand masturbating. The other (uptight) residents of the resort called the police and Dick was arrested for indecent exposure. As the team’s third base coach, Williams plans to wave players home by swinging his junk around in circles like a windmill.

Never scared to try new things, that Dick.

Jim Bowden (GM) — The perfect GM for the Strawberry All-Stars.
He got pulled over and arrested while getting beat up by his wife. The charge?

DEWEY!!!

 

There are still some obvious candidates that I failed to mention and a few roster spots left open. If you feel the need to add one or chastize me for assembling such a horrible team, lemme know in the comments…

Read more: , ,
Print  |  Email  |  Share/Save
19 Responses to “The Darryl Strawberry All-Stars

(aka The All-Felon Squad)”

  1. Thanks for including Raffy. Hopefully some of the Dodger faithful will read this and stop asking me why I’m cheering for ‘Dewey’ when he bats.

  2. Spencer Kyte says:

    How did Scott Olsen’s tasered ass not make this team?

  3. Blackie Schwamb actually murdered a guy . . . but his success as a felon interupted his baseball career.

  4. enrico says:

    I’m with Dutch, except I just don’t understand metaphysics either. I’m hoping we see Dutch make a guest appearance on John From Cincinatti sometime this season.

  5. Vlad says:

    No Randall Simon?

    Jose Mesa’s arrest record is also amusing, particularly this part. No conviction, though.

    Len Koenecke probably deserves some kind of honorable mention, since he shrewdly avoided charges by shuffling off the mortal coil.

  6. GK says:

    Julio Machado seems to warrant a spot in the rotation:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julio_Machado

  7. gjdodger says:

    Sticking Denny McLain in the drunk tank with this bunch of druggies and wife beaters is like putting Einstein on the panel discussion with a high-school chemistry teacher. Denny is an evil genius; I believe they have him lined up for Spiderman IV.

  8. Justin Ergler says:

    How have we forgotten Jose Lind (2B — Pirates)

    Lind’s personal life continued to spiral out of control. Police were called to the home of his ex-wife in July of 1996, when he visited in violation of a restraining order and the situation escalated to physical violence. They arrested him for possession of cocaine, and he pled guilty to that charge in February of the next year.

    On November 21, 1997, highway police in Tampa, Florida stopped Lind for leaving the scene of an accident. They discovered that he was visibly intoxicated, and that he had been driving while naked from the waist down. A search of his car revealed seven cans of beer and one gram of cocaine. Lind ended up spending a year in jail.

  9. Rich Kotite says:

    He’s a newbie, but he’s on the FAST TRACK to thuggery superstardom … Elijah Dukes.

  10. Ugeuth Urbina says:

    How can you forget about me? I am hardcore.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ugueth_Urbina

  11. geb4000 says:

    Hey have you heard of Ron LeFlore? Signed out of prison? Ring any bells?

    Yeah he was hardcore. Not any of this candy-ass drug or domestic abuse related crimes. he could play too.

  12. John says:

    ummmm… wouldnt hit king Pete Rose also be the king of the DS all-star team?

  13. John,

    Pete Rose is banned for life from this particular team.

    Thank you.

  14. Mike says:

    Jeff Readon had mental health issues at the time of his “crime”.

  15. Brett Myers, anyone???

  16. Bill says:

    Sammy Stewart for relief pitcher. Part of some pretty good O’s teams, now serving serious time. From wikipedia: As of October 2006, he is in a North Carolina prison, awaiting trial on a felony drug charge. He has been charged 46 times with more than 60 offenses since 1988, and has spent 25 months in prison over six separate stints. He has admitted to being a “crack addict.” Sammy is currently serving an eight year term in a North Carolina prison He was convicted as an “habitual felon” in October 2006.

    Stewart led teh Al in ERA in 1981, fwiw.

  17. fallex says:

    Elijah Dukes must be a prospect in the farm system for this team.

  18. JohnDewar says:

    You could probably do an “All-Blow” lineup and include the likes of “The Cobra” Dave Parker.

    Also, in the early death dept.: I guess Darrell Porter (All-Star catcher who enjoyed booger sugar) could be warming up Steve Howe in the after-life bullpen.

Leave a Reply

Latest Posts
Our Sponsors
Vividseats.com is your premier internet destination for all MLB Baseball Tickets, such as Phillies Tickets, Cubs Tickets, LA Dodgers Tickets, Pirates Tickets, Marlins Tickets, and many more.
SecureYourSeat.com are able to provide you with a great selection of Premier League tickets including Arsenal tickets, Manchester United tickets, Liverpool tickets and Chelsea tickets. We also stock a fine selection of Champions League tickets including Champions League final tickets.
Best online sports betting bonuses and promotions at Sportsbetting.com. Join now the most secure online sportsbook!
For a selection of online slots games and casino reviews visit Online Slots Entertainment, a leader in online slot machines since 2003.
AllianceTickets.com carries all MLB Tickets including Colorado Rockies Tickets, Seattle Mariners Tickets and San Francisco Giants Tickets. They carry all Sports Tickets at discount prices.
With Texas Holdem Masters you can get information about the hottest trends in the popular Texas Holdem Poker game, with strategies and tricks so that you can be a master too. At Gambling Experts your poker skills will be upgraded from being an amateur to being an expert.

windows 7 key

windows 7 key

serial winzip 11

serial winzip 11 key

serial corel draw 11

serial corel draw 11 serials

photo shop key

photo shop key

free corel photoshop download

free corel photoshop download keygen

adobe free

adobe free

winrar password cracker serial

wirar password cracker

winrar 3 download

winrar 3 download freedownload

office 2010 professional key

office 2010 key

download photo shop free

photo shop serial

free winrar download for xp

download winrar for xp for free

cs5 serialz

cs5 serialz free

windows 7 free

windows 7 crack

free corel downloads

free corel downloads cracked

office 2010 free

office 2010 key

key office 2010

office 2010 key

photoshop key

photoshop key

windows key

windows key

corel dvd moviefactory 6

corel dvd moviefactory 6 downloads