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July 7, 2008 at 12:01 am ET
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The Ellie Rodriguez All-Stars

Who the fuck is Ellie Rodriguez?

Glad you asked.

Ellie Rodriguez is the patriarch of Atrocious All-Stars. He spent nine years playing for five teams and he was an All-Star. Twice.

In 1969, Rodriguez made the American League All-Star team while batting .260 with 2 home runs and 12 RBI.

It’s in his honour that we present you with the Worst All-Star Team in History.

Was literally at the right place at the right time in 1984.Catcher – Jason Varitek, 2008, Boston Red Sox
Yes, we complained about this in an earlier post. But it can’t be stressed enough – Jason Varitek is not even remotely close to being an All-Star this season. We all agree that AJ Pierzynski is a complete dick (what is it with guys named AJ?) but he is much more deserving.

First Base – Ron Coomer, 1999, Minnesota Twins
Future generations will make teams like this and calling it the Ron Coomer All-Stars would not be a stretch in the least. Actually, any of these guys could be the namesakes of this team… that’s kind of the point. For the year in ’99 Coomer batted .263 with 16 home runs and 65 RBI. Amazingly, he was actually the most deserving Twin.

Second Base – Alfredo Griffin, 1984, Toronto Blue Jays
We know he played shortstop, but we just had to include him. Why? As bad as most of these choices are, Griffin’s trumps them all. Alan Trammell was the AL Shortstop for the ’84 ASG, that is, until he got hurt. How did they end up with Griffin as his replacement? He literally was in the right place at the right time, having accompanied fellow Blue Jay Damaso “I Like to Burn Jerseys” Garcia to the game. Since he was already in town, he was chosen as Trammell’s replacement. Awesome.

Third Base – Scott Cooper, 1993/1994, Boston Red Sox
Did everyone forget that Wade Bogg wasn’t playing third in Beantown any longer and just check the name on the ballot next to “Third Base, BOS” or something?

Shortstop – Gary DiSarcina, 1995, California Angels
By all accounts, Gary DiSarcina is a great guy, a professional through and through and an up-and-coming manager. Do you see All-Star talent in there anywhere? Since he ended the year with five home runs and 41 RBI, we’re going to go ahead and assume this was a “Gary is a great guy” situation.

Left Field – Greg Vaughan, 1993/1996/1998/2001, Milwaukee/San Diego/Cincinnati
Nothing personal, but when I think of guys who are four-time All-Stars, Greg Vaughn’s name doesn’t jump to the front of my mind. Yes, he smashed home runs. He was also one of the worst defensive outfielders of his time, struck out a ton and had success of horribly bad teams.I've got it. I'm Robert Fick. I used to be an All-Star.

Centerfield – Matt Lawton, 2000, Minnesota Twins
Following in the footsteps of fellow Twinkie Ron Coomer, Lawton capitalized on his teams struggles to be an All-Star. He actually did this twice, getting a nod as a member of the Cleveland Indians a couple years later. This is the baseball equivalent of Three Six Mafia having an Academy Award before Martin Scorsese.

Right Field – Robert Fick, 2002, Detroit Tigers
Robert Fick is the reason MLB needs to abolish the “Every team has to be represented” rule. I would understand if his totals of .260/16/63 were his numbers at the break, but that’s his year-end totals. Another way of looking at it – less than Josh Hamilton has produced in the first half this year.

Designated Hitter – Ken Harvey, 2004, Kansas City Royals
All that needs to be said is that one year later, after only 12 games and 45 at-bats, Ken Harvey’s Major League Career was over.

Starting Rotation
Tyler Green, 1995, Philadelphia Phillies
Erik Hanson, 1995, Boston Red Sox
Roger Pavlik, 1996, Texas Rangers
Rolando Arroyo, 1998, Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Jose Rosado, 1997/1999, Kansas City Royals

Tyler Green fell off the face of the Earth about three weeks after the All-Star Game. He was basically a first half William Van Landingham that Felipe Alou picked as an All-Star.

Erik Hanson went 15-5 during his All-Star season, then moved to Toronto, stole a boatload of Loonies and Toonies from the Blue Jays and was never heard from again.

Roger Pavlik had something like 12 wins at the break. He won nine more games… the rest of his career.

Rolando Arrojo should have retired after 1998. He was an All-Star and finished second in Rookie of the Year voting to Ben Grieve in a class that also featured stars like Mike Caruso and Sidney Ponson. How sad is it that nothing else in his career topped being runner up to Ben Grieve for Rookie of the Year? At least he was an All-Star!

Jose Rosado was actually the Winning Pitcher in one of his appearances. Who says every team doesn’t need to be represented? No way could someone from another team have pitched one inning of meaningless baseball to win an exhibition game.

We figured you'd rather a picture of Scarlett Johansson than Brian Fuentes. You're welcome.Relief Corps
Mike Williams, 2003, Pittsburgh Pirates
Brian Fuentes, 2006, Colorado Rockies
Paul Quantrill, 2001, Toronto Blue Jays
Steve Ontiveros, 1995, Oakland A’s
Mark Redman, 2006, Kansas City Royals

Any time you want to win the “Saves are a stupid stat” argument, point to Mike Williams. He made the All-Star team as Pittsburgh’s lone representative because of his 25 Saves. He also had a 1-3 record and a 6.44 ERA. But man, 25 saves, at the All-Star Break?! Sound familiar, Brian Wilson?

Speaking of guys with saves on bad teams… Hi there Brian Fuentes.

Paul Quantrill is Canadian and was a quality middle reliever for a number of years. That being said, who wants to see middle relievers in the All-Star Game?

Who the fuck is Steve Ontiveros? For the record, 1995 gets our vote for the Worst All-Star Teams ever…

Rounding out the group in Mark Redman, who cashed in on the Jose Rosado Rule as the token Royals rep, despite having an ERA over 5.00 at the time.

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One Response to “The Ellie Rodriguez All-Stars”
  1. geb4000 says:

    The allstar game is socialism at its worst. Every year there are players who don’t deserve to be on the team because of that stupid “representative from every team” requirement. Whose fragile psyche are we going to damage if we get rid of this rule? If you team has no good players on it, stop looking for charity and accept it. When your team gets some good players it makes you appreciate it more.
    I was a Golden State Warriors fan as a kid and we almost never had an allstar. I was OK with that because our team sucked. And every time in the middle of the season there was that helpful reminder that my team sucked (Purvis should have gone in ’85 though). When we did got Run TMC it was great.

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