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May 1, 2008 at 11:48 pm ET
18 Comments
They Should ALL Take this Route

The Nats debuted their new song yesterday. It’s pretty much 100 lbs of awesome. I think all major league teams should follow suit. The following post is full of my suggestions. I eschew paragraphs 2 and 4 because they wouldn’t really change. And not all of them are winners, but I did my best to entertain you, fair readers. I first post the Nats lyrics to give you a baseline and then I dive in to the other teams:

The man to blame for the Nats song, Charlie Brotman.We’re nuts (nuts!) about the Nats!
We’re nuts about the Nats!
We’re crazy ‘bout the Nationals
And nuts about the Nats!

We love to see them play
All baseball fans will say
We’re crazy ‘bout the Nationals
And nuts about the Nats!

Nation’s capital, home of the Nats
The game’s a ball and it’s driving us bats.
So let’s go red, white and blue
We’ll go nuts for every curly W (W!)

C’mon and sing it loud
C’mon and sing it proud
We’re crazy ‘bout the Nationals
And nuts about the Nats.

Let’s go Nats!

In alphabetical order, here we go:

ANGELS
We’re animated (animated!) for the Angels!
We’re animated for the Angels!
We’re crazy ‘bout the Singing Cowboy
And animated for the Angels!

We can’t decide which city is host
We’ve played everywhere up n down the West Coast.
So let’s go red white and blue
Every goddamn team has these colors too!

Let’s go Angels!

 

ASTROS
We’re agitated (agitated!) for the Astros!
We’re agitated for the Astros!
We’re crazy ‘bout old players past their prime
And agitated for the Astros!

We’ve got one Brad, we used to have another
Til one long shot left him crying for his mother!
So let’s go unfinished Stars!
We’re nuts about our fruit-juice named Park!

Let’s go Astros!

 

ATHLETICS
We’re ardent (ardent!) for the Athletics!
We’re ardent for the Athletics!
We’re crazy ‘bout McAfee Coliseum!
And ardent for the Athletics!

Bay Area’s little brother
We’re still proud of the Bash Brothers!
So let’s go gold and green!
The most boring good team we’ve ever seen!

Let’s go Athletics!

 

BLUE JAYS
We’re batty (batty!) about the Blue Jays!
We’re batty about the Blue Jays.
We’re crazy because we’re Canadian.
And batty about the Blue Jays.

Not in the U.S., we’re oat and aboat!
“We love BJs!” is what we all shoat!
So let’s go silver and blue
If you had Alex Rios you’d love BJs too!

Let’s go BJs!

 

BRAVES
We’re bizarre (bizarre!) for the Braves!
We’re bizarre for the Braves!
We’re crazy cause it’s so damn hot
We’re bizarre about the Braves!

Hotlanta, Cox is insane
The Mets and Phillies now make us inane.
So let’s go Tomahawk Chop!
We’re not on TV because Turner has dropped.

Let’s go Braves!

 

BREWERS
We’re brainsick (brainsick) for the Brewers!
We’re brainsick for the Brewers!
We’re crazy ‘bout all the beer we can find
And brainsick for the Brewers!

We’re the home of the 12-person bong
A free prostrate exam can never be wrong!
So let’s go navy blue and old gold
Interesting how the NL Central unfolds!

Let’s go Brewers!

 

CARDINALS
We’re concupiscent (huh?) for the Cards!
We’re concupiscent for the Cards!
We’re crazy ‘bout Busch no. III
And concupiscent for the Cards!

Stan the Man, the Holes of Pu
We’re apace to get 100 Ws!
So let’s go red and white
All of the Caucasians have taken flight!

Let’s go Cards!

 

CUBS
We’re cracked out (cracked out!) for the Cubs!
We’re cracked out for the Cubs!
We’re crazy ‘bout an old decrepit box
And we’re cracked out for the Cubs!

A case of Old Style is all you need
To get the bleacher girls down on their knees
So let’s go baby bears!
We’ve gotta get one after 100 years!

Let’s go Cubs!

 

DIAMONDBACKS
We’re dithyrambic (huh?) for the Dbacks!
We’re dithyrambic for the Diamondbacks!
We’re crazy ‘bout our ridiculous start
And we’re dithyrambic for the Dbacks!

Old people, can’t sell out the NLCS
So far this season we are the best!
So let’s go blood-red uniforms!
Maybe the retirees will come out in swarms!

Let’s go Diamondbacks!

 

DODGERS
We’re demented (demented!) for the Dodgers!
We’re demented for the Dodgers!
We’re crazy ‘bout the Boys in Blues
And demented for the Dodgers!

We’re Joe Torre’s new place to bed
Dbacks have already got us behind the woodshed.
So let’s go the former Brooklyn Bums
Brad Penny is the only player who is worth some.

Let’s go Dodgers!

GIANTS
We’re jonesing (jonesing!) for the Giants!
We’re jonesing for the Giants.
We’re crazy ‘bout AT&T Park
And jonesing for the Giants!

Gay men, Alcatraz
The game’s a ball and we’re all gonna spazz
So let’s go black and orange
We’re jonesing for something that rhymes with “orange!”

Let’s go Giants!

 

INDIANS
We’re idiotic (idiotic!) for the Indians!
We’re idiotic for the Indians!
We’re crazy ‘bout our Jacobs Field
And idiotic for the Indians!

Thousands of bugs, rivers on fire!
Ohio doesn’t do much to inspire!
So let’s go Red Wahoo!
Possibly the most offensive thing we could do!

Let’s go Indians!

 

MARINERS
We’re mad (mad!) about the Mariners!
We’re mad about the Mariners.
We’re crazy ‘bout Safeco Field.
And mad about the Mariners.

Ichiro is quite the speed demon
Everybody giggles when we’re the “seamen!”
So let’s go blue, silver and “northwest green.”
At least they’re not the colors of every other team!

Let’s go Mariners!

 

MARLINS
We’re moony (moony!) over the Marlins
We’re moony over the Marlins!
We’re crazy ‘bout a stadium that isn’t even ours.
And moony over the Marlins!

Two World Series rings, that wasn’t a flub
We have as many titles as the Cubs!
So let’s go black and teal
Yes, our uniforms DO include the color “teal.”

Let’s go Marlins!

 

And kick ball-change!  Jazz hands!METS
The Mets already have a song and it’s even lamer than the Nats’ song. The Nats song is kind of a cheer. The Mets song sounds like it was cribbed from a Busby Berkeley musical.

Let’s go Mets!

 

ORIOLES
We’re overwrought (overwrought) for the Orioles!
We’re overwrought for the Orioles!
We’re crazy ‘bout our unbelievable start
And overwrought for the Os!

Angelos, the worst owner today?
Free the Birds wants him out of the way.
So let’s go orange and black
Cal Ripken was our last good thing, get him back!

Let’s go Orioles!

 

Wow.  Sexy.PADRES
We’re passionate (passionate!) for the Padres!
We’re passionate for the Padres!
We’re crazy ‘bout our Petco Park
And passionate for the Padres!

The Friars can be one of the best
One year we’ll make it out of the NLDS!
So let’s go camouflage uniforms!
At least we play where it’s nice and warm!

Let’s go Padres!

 

PHILLIES
We’re fervent (fervent!) for the Phillies!
We’re fervent for the Phillies!
We’re crazy.
And fervent for the Phillies.

We’re are crazy, we throw bottles of glass
At an unsuspecting Cardinals fan Iowa lass.
So let’s go white and red!
If there are enough of us you’d prolly be dead.

Let’s go Phillies!

 

PIRATES
We’re peculiar (peculiar!) for the Pirates!
We’re peculiar for the Pirates!
We’re crazy ‘bout our NFL team.
And peculiar ‘bout the Pirates.

We only hope for winning year
When do the Steelers start? Where is our beer?
Let’s go black and gold!
Our vests make us look like we’re thirteen years old!

Let’s go Pirates!

 

RANGERS
We’re red-hot (red-hot!) for the Rangers!
We’re red-hot for the Rangers.
We’re crazy ‘cause we live in Texas
And red-hot for the Rangers.

Lots of guns, home of the Prez
The game’s a ball and…

Fuck it, nobody’s at the games anyway. We suck. BOOOOOO!

 

RAYS
We’re revived (revived!) for the Rays!
We’re revived for the Rays!
We’re crazy about our Pirate Ship.
And we’re revived for the Rays!

An amazing start it has been for the Rays
And no Barry Bonds no matter how much Chalk prays!
So let’s go the Rays without the Devil
In a .500 year maybe you can revel.

Let’s go Rays!

 

RED SOX
We’re rawkous (raucous!) for the Red Sox!
We’re rawkous for the Red Sox!
We’re crazy and we’re awesome, brah!
We’re rawkous for the Red Sox!

Sully and Fitzy and Paddy Go Bragh
We’ll cut yer fuckin’ face if you look at us wrong!
So let’s go Nation of Red Sox fans!
Let’s throw some pizza in the stands!

Let’s go Red Sox!

 

REDS
We’re rabid (rabid!) about the Reds!
We’re rabid about the Reds!
We’re crazy ‘bout O-HI-O
And rabid about the Reds!

Glass-jaw Griffey, Dusty and Walt
Which Bengal has committed assault?
So let’s go red and white
Least we’re better than the Pirates, right?

Let’s go Reds!

 

ROCKIES
We’re roused (roused!) for the Rockies!
We’re roused for the Rockies!
We’re crazy about the Lord our Savior
And roused for the Rockies!

God’s team has so far kind of sucked
We lost Tulo and now we are fucked.
So let’s go black and purple!
Let’s give the NL West a purple nurple!

Let’s go Rockies!

 

ROYALS
We’re radical (radical!) about the Royals!
We’re radical about the Royals.
We’re crazy ‘bout our fountain show.
And radical ‘bout the Royals.

Our early record was such a cock-tease
The game’s no fun and we’re losing with ease
So let’s go white and blue
“Always next year” is our motto too!

Let’s go Royals!

 

TIGERS
We’re tomfooled (tomfooled!) for the Tigers
We’re tomfooled for the Tigers
We’re crazy about Granderson
And tomfooled for the Tigers

Henry Ford, Pontiac
The game’s a ball and we’re all on crack.
So let’s go white and blue
I can’t believe we finally got a W!

Let’s go Tigers!

 

TWINS
We’re touched (touched!) in the head for the Twins.
We’re touched in the head for the Twins.
We’re crazy ‘bout Minneapolis/St. Paul
And touched in the head for the Twins

The state capital, 10,000 lakes
The game’s a ball and we’re getting the shakes
So let’s go blue, white and red
We’ll go nuts ‘cause we’re touched in the head (touched in the head!)

Let’s go Twins!

 

WHITE SOX
We’re wound up (wound up) for the White Sox!
We’re wound up for the White Sox!
We’re crazy ‘bout Comiskey, not the Cell.
And wound up for the White Sox!

We threw the big game, a bunch of scrubs.
Now it turns out so did the Cubs!
So let’s go black and white
At least we’ve won a title in a few years, right?

Let’s go Sox!

 

YANKEES
We’re yearning (yearning!) for the Yankees!
We’re yearning for the Yankees.
We’re crazy ‘bout a piece o’ shit in the Bronx
And yearning for the Yankees!

Ruth’s house, 9 dollars a beer
The game’s a ball but A-Rod’s a queer.
So let’s go blue and white
We’ll get drunk and all get in a fight.

Let’s go Yanks!

Feel free to improve upon my attempts in the comments.

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18 Responses to “They Should ALL Take this Route”
  1. JB* says:

    What – no reference to Rolen in the Blue Jays?

    These are great, Andie! The use of profanity in the Rockies is an especially nice touch.

  2. I almost went for Rolen, JB. But I liked the blowjob jokes better.

    And I’m touched you noticed that Rockies theme. Heeee.

  3. StevieY19 says:

    Very nice Andie. In honor of the effort:

    We’re amped (amped!) for Andie’s post
    We’re amped for Andie’s post
    We’re crazy about the songs
    And amped for Andie’s post

    On the blogdome, a disgusting act
    When we first heard the song of the Nats.
    So go ‘head and click the link
    And see corny songs sure to drive you to drink.

  4. AlbertSpaldingsBalls says:

    Brilliant!
    Nice work, Andrea…a blowjob joke is always better than a Rolen joke, unless somehow you can combine the two.

  5. Chilltown says:

    Talk about 100 lbs of awesome. I almost pissed myself at the Brewers one.

  6. I laughed at the part where you said the Marlins had as many titles as the Cubs.

    And one more than the Bobby Cox Braves. Shaking my head…

  7. Evan says:

    Very creative….if creative means copying the same intro for each team, and then making the most obvious joke ever about said team. Brilliant?

  8. Awww, somebody’s bitter that I linked to the Brad-Lidge-total-implosion-broken-shell-of-a-man video. Has that ball returned to Earth yet?

    Thanks for reading, Evan!

  9. Ralph says:

    Andie, I grew up in Phoenix, thanks for pointing out the obvious…BTW, you wouldn’t know a guy who could take away 19,000 seats from a stadium that are never used would you? And the ladies are crazy about the db penis logo to.

  10. Felipe says:

    Retarded. A waste of time. how did this “clever” work ever get approved to be posted… is there an editor or……-? wow, stupid. 100 pounds of digested waste.

  11. Very funny, but *Bronx* Bums?! What an insult! :)

  12. Oh my god, I didnt’ even notice that Trolley. My supreme bad.

    Thanks Felipe. Love you too. MOUAH!

  13. anonymous says:

    this is the stupidest shit ive ever seen. i just wasted 3 minutes of my life reading 5 of them.
    feel bad for whoever wasted their time writing these. u did a “not so good” job

  14. JB* says:

    Well, it should be easy to determine who wrote the post… the commenter, though, chose to be anonymous.

  15. Not Funny says:

    By no means does this even come close to anything that resembles funny.

  16. Richard Lukey says:

    Crap!!!

  17. Wagon says:

    Too bad the TRIBE does not play at Jacobs Fiels anymore.

  18. Metman says:

    Meet the Mets kicks the crap out of the Nationals new song. Don’t hate it for being the original. Everyone has been trying to rip the Mets off for years, and now your shitting on them for being original. Thanks man.

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