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October 16, 2008 at 11:14 am ET
Why Philly Needs Your Support

This is Sally Struthers.

In these times of sadness and turmoil, it’s important that we come together to support a group in need — the 2008 NL Champions, the Philadelphia Phillies.

Like the special ed kid who aces the exam, or the man with a prosthetic leg who finishes the marathon, the Phillies may not have been likely heroes, but they’ve earned a modicum of our support.  No, we shouldn’t feel sorry for them.  But it’s clear that they need all the love and caring we have to offer, if they are to prosper in the days to come.

For just a few cents a day — the price of a can of whiz — you too can help these knuckle dragging troglodytes escape the horrors of their surroundings and experience the joy and love that only you can provide.

Here’s are just a few reasons why your help is so desperately needed:

  • Their MVP hit .251, struck out 200 times, and looks like he chases parked buses.
  • Their right fielder sports a hairdo from the Ridgemont High Supercuts.
  • Their backup shortstop has a worse fielding percentage than Stephen Hawking.
  • Their “special” uniforms are cream colored with red and blue accents – kind of like patriotic semen.
  • Their pitching staff is 4/5 non-domestic abusers, and 1/5 AARP-eligible.
  • Their community still thinks using “Ph-” in words that begin with “F” is amusing.
  • Their left fielder thinks he’s attractive enough to take this photo, even though he has all the sex appeal of chlamydia.
  • Their female fans regularly double their IQs by getting pregnant.
  • Their mascot wouldn’t look at all out of place patrolling a playground in a conversion van.

In addition to fixing these concerns, your money will also go toward food, running water, and to build schools so certain pitchers no longer believe they are being traded to Japan.

To ensure you that your contributions are going to good use, the entire team — those that can spell, that is — will send you regular personal letters, updating you on how your caring has made a difference.

So, don’t hesitate my friends.  Whether it’s a few dollars or a few pennies, every donation will go toward creating a better life for these men in the World Series.  Your outpouring of love is appreciated.

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23 Responses to “Why Philly Needs Your Support”
  1. Cheese says:

    Leave it to this site pee all over the NL champs.

    Oh wait! I see you’re the Mets writer here – that explains everything.


  2. zeek says:

    The Mets and their fans are both at home watching the Phils in the World Series starting Wednesday.

    Don’t be bitter.

    Awful, unfunny post by the way.

  3. zeek says:

    your aim sucks

  4. Kev says:


  5. Cheese says:

    “I aim to please…”

    And your location is as poor as an Aaron Heilman curveball.


    Go have some more sour grapes.

  6. Kev says:

    We accept NO Mets fans, ever. Under no circumstances.


  7. Mark says:

    Aw, Mets fans are great aren’t they. This kind of reminds me of that LA Times writer who refers to philly as “Angryville.” You can tell us Ryan Howard struck out 199 times this year as many times as you want, but my question for you is, how is David Wright’s golf game these days? I’m pretty sure we’re still playing baseball.

  8. Brad Bortone Brad Bortone says:

    Actually, I said he struck out 200 times. Apologies for the glaring error to the new Ted Williams, Mr. Ryan Howard.

    I’m not sure about Wright’s golf game, but even if I did, I’m pretty sure you’d tell me it’s not as good as Utley’s, and that I’m an asshole.

  9. brian hall says:

    Hi Brad. I can’t help you this time. It’s amazing how happy this city is for once. If you would have wrote this a month ago us phillies fans would be threatening your life right now. Nobody can spoil this for us. although you are right about that “ph” thing. My t-shirt clearly reads “fuck the mets”. Have a fun off season.

  10. Brad Bortone Brad Bortone says:

    Hall, good to see ya brutha…

    …and yeah, I’m (quietly) pulling for these phuckers. Rather see the title go to the guys that knocked us off. If the Mets are going down, I’d rather it be to the world champs.

    Besides, my wife is from the main line, so I’m kinda obligated.

  11. Mark says:

    199 strikeouts but we still have a pennant….boy its a tough life.

    And your right, thats exactly what I was going to say, you know me too well Brad. Like Brain said, have fun this offseason.

  12. Brad Bortone Brad Bortone says:

    Best to the family, Mark.

  13. Mark says:

    Thanks, I’ll let them know you send your regards.

  14. Mike says:

    It’s kinda rough to make fun of the death of people’s family members… that’s all I’ll say about that…

    Oh, and enjoy your offseason…

  15. Brad Bortone Brad Bortone says:

    Despite all the playing around and backtalk, I’ll agree with you, Mike.

    Tragedy + time=comedy
    Tragedy + sarcasm=inappropriate

    And regarding the offseason, I’m enjoying it a lot more since I posted this piece this morning. Too funny…

  16. Mark says:

    Glad we could help.

  17. mseeke says:

    Their community still thinks using “Ph-” in words that begin with “F” is amusing

    he makes a good point.

    the only one.

    the rest is hogwash, but, I guess you need something to amuse yourself this time of year.

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