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March 24, 2008 at 12:06 am ET
Your Team Ain’t S#!t #29 of 29: The Red Sox

Since no one else would, I have filled the void of objective team season previews and Devil Rays information on the interwebz:

By previewing all 29 other MLB teams and comparing them to our beloved Devil Rays, in anticipation of the 2008 season which is sure to Rayvolutionize The Game ….

Working backwards through the final Bugs & Cranks Top 30 rankings, we end with The Boston Red Sox….

Argument #1. The Media And The Yankees Have Shown That They Know The Rayvolution Is Upon Us.

Have you turned on ESPN lately? I don’t really recommend it, but every time I turn it on, they’re already making excuses for the Red Sox. The poor defending champs have a three-week road trip through Japan, California and deepest, coldest Ontario before finally returning to Beantown for their home opener. Boo hoo hoo, they have to play two real games in Japan, then three pretend games in Dodger Stadium, and then go back to playing real games in Oakland and then Toronto.

Why all the excuses? The only explanation is to prepare viewers for the Rayvolution.

Your typical ESPN viewer simply isn’t ready to hear how awesome the 2008 Devil Rays will be.

So instead ESPN hedges it bets with this international road trip from hell storyline.

 And certainly if you’ve been following baseball at all this spring, you’ve noticed that the Yankees have shifted all their attention and hatred from the Red Sox to the Devil Rays.

Some who haven’t followed the dramatic improvements our Devil Rays have made over the course of the offseason might assume (wrongly) that the Yankees are focusing on the Devil Rays because they realize that the Red Sox are their daddies after four years of domination.

No, while the Yankees realize that they are no match for the Red Sox, they are prescient enough to see that it is our Devil Rays who will soon dominate the East and all of baseball. Knowing they can no longer hope to regain their ill-gotten glory, they hope to at least establish themselves as the chief rivals of our soon-to-be dynastic Devil Rays.

How else can you explain the bizarre whining from Yankees interim manager Joe Girlardi, or the manic actions of players like Shelley “Duvall” Duncan?

There is only one explanation. The Yankees are scared now. The Yankees see the threat we present. The Yankees can smell the changes coming. The Yankees can smell the Rayvolution.

Soon everyone will smell it. Even the defending champion Boston Red Sox.

The Red Sox are the only team that can truly claim to have had a better 2007 than our Devil Rays. But that will be of no help to them in 2008.

Just like every other team, the Red Sox ain’t shit compared to our Devil Rays.

We’ll prove it head-to-head at The Trop, Friday April 25 to Sunday April 27; at Fenway, Friday May 2 to Sunday May 4, and Tuesday June 3 to Thursday June 5; back at The Trop, Monday June 30 to Wednesday July 2; and down the stretch at Fenway, Monday September 8 to Wednesday September 10; and at The Trop, Monday September 15 to Wednesday September 17.

Viva La Rayvolution!

And a big Devil Ray Thank You to everyone who helped out and/or supported this marathonic undertaking.

Previously on Your Team Ain’t S#!t Compared To The Devil Rays….

#1 The Pittsburgh Pirates

#2 The Houston Astros

#3 The Florida Marlins

#4 The Baltimore Orioles

#5 The Kansas City Royals

#6 The San Francisco Giants

#7 The Cincinnati Reds

#8 The St. Louis Cardinals

#9 The Chicago White Sox

#10 The Washington Nationals

#11 The Texas Rangers

#12 The Oakland Athletics

#13 The Minnesota Twins

#14 The Toronto Blue Jays

#15 The Los Angeles Dodgers

#16 The Milwaukee Brewers

#17 The Atlanta Braves

#18 The Seattle Mariners

#19 The Chicago Cubs

#20 The San Diego Padres

#21 The Arizona Diamondbacks

#22 The New York Mets

#23 The Detroit Tigers

#24 The Colorado Rockies

#25 The Philadelphia Phillies

#26 The New York Yankees

#27 The Cleveland AL Franchise

#28 The Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim

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8 Responses to “Your Team Ain’t S#!t #29 of 29: The Red Sox”
  1. Dirty Water says:

    Such a classic series. Too bad it has to end.

  2. Cubfanbudman23 says:

    Next compare our boys to the ’07-’08 Pats next please!! Tom Brady aint shiz…compared to David Price’s slider, Josh Paul could catch it and it would make derek jeter look weak kneed with or without the Wisconsinisque stache farmaing it.

  3. Adam C. says:

    What a weak argument. Apparently the only thing the Red Sox should be smelling out of TB is fear.

  4. JB says:

    Great series of posts – I printed them all out, because they will be even funnier to read when the DEVIL rays finish another season below .500.

  5. Not JB says:

    So while this was made in jest…how funny is it now.

  6. Brett says:

    /slow clap

  7. David Chalk David Chalk says:

    This was not made in jest.

  8. PTownFan says:

    My Stockbroker would like to know what you had for breakfast on March 24, 2008.

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