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December 17, 2010 at 2:26 am ET
2 Comments
Edgar Renteria: “I get no respect!” (tugs designer shirt collar)

Renteria in more respectable times.

After a bit of stealth reporting, I’m pleased to inform you that veteran shortstop Edgar Renteria is not dead, is in fact still playing baseball, and — as indicated by recent remarks — is apparently a total penis.

Reportedly, the rich man’s Royce Clayton feels that San Francisco’s one-year, $1M offer to occupy a roster spot for a 16th season is “a total disrespect.”

Having listened to a couple Rodney Dangerfield albums and once, in middle school, finding myself on the wrong end of one of those things where a guy kneels behind you while another guy shoves you over, I have to say… I disagree.

Completely neglecting to acknowledge the present economic climate and the rampant poverty throughout America, the 33-year-old middle infielder (baseball’s equivalent of a Pegasus) dug himself even deeper.

“To play for a million dollars, I’d rather stay with my private business and share more time with my family.  Thank God I’m well off financially and my money is well invested.”

There’s no word on whether Renteria’s private business involves him singing “Chocolate Rain” at corporate functions.

Seriously, what a dick! Does he not realize he played in fewer than half of San Francisco’s games last season? Can he not process the fact that his 22 RBI and 67 hits had almost as much impact on the Giants title run as “The Machine” did? If I’m Edgar Renteria, I’m taking the $1M. I’m feeling fortunate that a defending champion franchise is even willing to consider me ANY part of its 2011 plans. I’m probably thanking some weird-ass Colombian-based deity that evidently nobody except some shitty blogger for what seems to be a bicycle website realizes exactly how awful I’ve become at playing baseball for a living. I stop using awkwardly-phrased terminology like “a total disrespect.” If I’m Edgar Renteria, I re-sign.

But he won’t. He’ll huff and puff (and continue to age) while widening the rift between himself and the actually good team that’s foolish enough to want to pay him in American currency instead of Werther’s Original hard candies. Then he’ll play for the A’s or something on a minor league deal offered to him in March or he’ll retire out of pride and everybody will forget about him, thus tarnishing a once-solid career. And I will laugh.

It was nice being (at certain points) aware of you, Mr. Renteria. Best of luck with the family business this season.

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2 Responses to “Edgar Renteria: “I get no respect!” (tugs designer shirt collar)”
  1. Rog says:

    Way to call out the guy’s Colombian heritage, jerk-off.

  2. Tyler says:

    Thanks, Rog. I was worried that I bothered to look up where Renteria was born for no reason.

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