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March 28, 2011 at 10:48 am ET
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Nyjer Please(s a Brewers Fan)!

Sunday, the Milwaukee Brewers addressed its glaring need for outfield depth and another crazy person by trading prospect Cutter Dykstra and cash to the Washington Nationals in exchange for “troubled” speedster Nyjer Morgan. And while this move has many of my fellow Brewers backers saying things like, “Why?” and “Nyjer? Haha, that kind of sounds like [redacted]!”, I personally love this move.

Let’s just get to the part where I tell you why.

Morgan isn’t afraid to fight for what he believes in, even if there are obvious flaws in what he believes. Who doesn’t like baseball fights? If you said “I don’t” to this, the remainder of this post isn’t going to get any more enjoyable for you.

Improving Milwaukee’s Ice Hockey Pedigree.
I’m a huge proponent for Milwaukee getting an NHL team. Few people know this (or care enough to know), but the Bradley Center was originally built with the intent to make Milwaukee an enticing destination for a professional hockey team. Decades later, the arena still stands… well, leans. It’s still good enough for Bon Jovi concerts and Kansas City Milwaukee Bucks games, yet the NHL has repeatedly passed up this northern oasis in favor of storied hockey towns like Phoenix, Tampa Bay, Nashville and (dry heaves) Columbus. Anyway, Nyjer Morgan was a tremendous hockey player growing up. Having been one of 80 people in attendance for a Milwaukee Admirals (AHL team) game, there being a professional-caliber hockey player in town can only help in reaching my goal of netting a pro hockey team (Those are two ice hockey terms. See? I’m ready for this shit) or just improving the experience of watching the shitty minor league team we already have by being an honorary celebrity player… or getting in a fight with the mascot or something. Maybe both… I haven’t thought this one all the way through yet.

Allegedly Pooped in a Gatorade Bottle. Let’s Face it… Probably Pooped in a Gatorade Bottle.
Speaking of Morgan and hockey, this Deadspin tip from months ago details a gut-busting ordeal involving a youth hockey camp attendee named Nyjer (of which there are maybe two), poop and a Gatorade bottle. Here’s a snippet:

“I forgot what prompted this, but after a few nights of prank wars, we came back to an empty bottle of gatorade sitting in the middle of our card table. Filled with two HUGE logs. It turns out, morgan nyjer had shat in this bottle and put it in our cabin. Needless to say, we all got in huge trouble for this (in the typical, indiscriminate meting of justice only summer camp can provide), and wound up having to do wind sprints at like 1:00 am once the counselors discovered what all the commotion was about.”

Maybe that’s where his speed comes from — wind sprints earned via bottle-shitting.

Hilarious Name.
I mean, seriously, what kind of name is “Morgan” anyway?

Cutter Dykstra Blows.
On the subject of weird names, holy shit is Cutter Dykstra a stupid fucking name. And you know how oftentimes players with dumb monikers like “Chipper”, “Shooter” or “Catfish” actually have regular human names on their birth certificate? To the best of my knowledge, Dykstra’s name is really Cutter. I’d expect nothing less from Lenny Dykstra, the man 50 percent responsible for naming this wretch. Frankly, I’m surprised Cutter wasn’t smothered in the crib for insurance money to invest in a failed business venture.

Anyway, the shittiness of Cutter as name is only surpassed by the shittiness of Cutter as a minor league baseball player. When I lived in Appleton, I saw him play with the low-A Wisconsin Timber Rattlers and his “play” made me embarrassed to have spent $7 on a low-level minor league bleacher ticket and get drunk on dollar beers (obtained entirely with spare change) on a weeknight. Thanks for making me self-examine, Dykstra. In three seasons, he’d never advanced beyond low-A. Plus, he’s Lenny Dykstra’s son… which is already a strike against anyone on Earth ever liking you for any reason.

1/2 and 1/2 = 1.
Carlos Gomez is a light-hitting, injury-prone player with a lot of speed but some fielding issues. Nyjer Morgan is a light-hitting, suspension-prone player with a lot of speed but he probably shit in a Gatorade bottle. Together these half baked CF options result in one fast, hurt, reckless and poopy player. Would-be Gomez backup Brandon Boggs couldn’t complete that circle of craziness.

And quite honestly, Morgan is a very nice platoon option to have. Unless the cash considerations sent to Washington in the deal exceeded $50, Milwaukee fleeced the Nats on this one.

Makes for Great Reading.
Before Morgan was traded, he didn’t hesitate to publicly announce that he expected Washington to try and trade him. Between that kind of brash honesty, Zack Greinke not being able to recognize basic social cues and saying whatever the fuck comes to his mind, and Prince Fielder trying to fight someone (usually a teammate) every few months, this is shaping up to be the most interesting season in Milwaukee Brewers history.

Welcome aboard, Nyjer. I love you.

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