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May 29, 2009 at 12:10 pm ET
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Photoshop Fridays: Coffey, Volquez, Stairs

Beyond my passion for penning near-readable blog posts, I enjoy the finer things in life – baseball, insufferable puns and poorly crafted Photoshop renderings. You’re cordially invited to indulge in the infusion of all of those things each and every Friday. So come in, and enjoy a private gallery viewing on this most glorious Photoshop Friday.

rsz_coffeyclutch-346x320“Coffey Clutch” - Do you remember when reliever Todd Coffey began his Brewers career by tossing 17 1/3 scoreless frames? In 16 appearances that spanned parts of two seasons, Coffey was perfect.

As Trevor Hoffman recovered from injury and the rest of the bullpen struggled, this hefty fire crotch cut by the Reds not 6 months prior was straight up ruling. The reborn reliever was getting saves, pitching multiple innings some outings and getting Milwaukee out of tight spots. Not to mention, making me look smart (for once).

It was a good story and, as a Brewers fan, something I loved seeing. But there was a bad side to all this – the coffee puns. As a copy editor myself, I’m a sucker for a good pun – or, more accurately, a bad pun purposely executed – but I must admit that my enjoyment of Coffey’s awesome/near-club-record-grabbing streak was somewhat dulled by the insufferable puns I knew would continue to encounter. 

“Coffey Clutch” is (I hope) the dagger in the heart of the Coffey/Coffee marriage. And aren’t Coffee Clutches where boring, middle-aged women sit around to talk about hideous seasonal sweaters they bought on sale and how busy they are? I hate that those exist.

thomasedinsonvolquez“Thomas Edinson Volquez” – To pick up where Francis Scott Kei Igawa left off, I present a pairing of famed historical figure Thomas Edison and contemporary pitcher Edinson Volquez. Edison, of course, invented such marvels as the light bulb, the motion picture camera, The Banjo Minnow and that “It’s not you, it’s me” break-up thing.

Edinson Volquez, through his play, has helped invent countless feeble arguments that he was worth giving up Josh Hamilton for. His parents invented that thing where an unnecessary “N” is shoved in the middle of a name for no apparent reason. 

All great inventions that will live on in time…

mattstairsmaster“Matt StairsMaster” - Total time taken to think of and subsequently produce this rendering: 2 minutes. Does it show? Consider this bonus Photoshop to be like when you buy something for like $1.03 and pay with a $5 bill. To save you the inconvenience of giving you 97 cents to jangle around in your pocket for the rest of the day, the cashier pays the 3 cents out of the Take a Penny Jar or (if they really like you) the Muscular Dystrophy Jar.

I thought this former Brewers slugger and active leader in career pinch hit homers deserved something. This is (arguably) that.

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