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January 18, 2011 at 12:01 am ET
14 Comments
Retired Baseball Players With Awesome Porn Names

Face it, January is the worst month to be a baseball fan. By now, most major transactions have occurred, and spring training is still a month away. Figuring we have a long month ahead of us, I took the liberties of funneling my childish sense of humor and willingness to enter potentially dirty words into the Baseball-Reference archives to compile a comprehensive list of awesome porn names taken from baseball yesteryear.

Cummings on the set of "Catching a Pizza Ass 14" in 1926.

Guy Bush – I’m sure there’s a niche for that somewhere.

Jack Armstrong – Is there any other way to Jack?

Jack Cummings – Fittingly, this is listed after Jack Armstrong.

Doc Crammer – Not your usual crammer, he went to school for EIGHT years to become an expert on cramming things into other things. 

Dick Coffman – I kind of feel like this is the best one.

James “Ripper” Collins – As far as I’m concerned, there aren’t two ways for a person to wind up with the moniker “Ripper.”

Charles “Chief” Bender – Of all the Benders in the vocational field, Charles is chief amongst them.

Jim Bunning – This, admittedly, is a pretty bad one. But the sheer thought of someone “Jimmy Bunning” sounds like the most polite and overtly Irish way of referring to butt sex.

Willie Mays – You know, like a Willy Maze. It’s the longest and most confusing dong ever.

Dick Bliss – Also a fitting porn name.

Dick Sisler – Spicy!

Woodie Held – One Woodie Held is worth one in the bush. You see, this is a sexual joke based on an old adage.

Cum Posey – OK, Cumberland “Cum” Posey is a deserving Hall of Famer and a Negro League pioneer. I have nothing but respect for Posey. Really, it’s rather unfortunate that his nickname would later become a euphemism for ejaculating.

Harry Ball – The Jay Leno joke of this column.

Rod Boxberger – Oh, what a man wouldn’t do to Rod some Boxberger. A man will go to some serious lengths to get some Boxberger.

Lavon Gash – Nothing says porno like some Lavon (love on) Gash.

Dick Chapman – With all the work-related moisture, it’s only a matter of time before chapping sets in.

Dickie Brown – When you’re going through the back door, don’t be surprised if your Dickie Brown.

Bob Annis – If your girl will Bob Annis, marry her.

Richard Eaton – Dick Eaton is either a perfect name for a raw, aggressive straight porn (guy on girl OR guy and guy and guy and novelty foam finger and anything else in the room at the time on girl) dude… or a relatively new gay porn actor, who needs to work his way up the industrial ranks. Either way, some Richard is going to be ingested by somebody.

Duke Carmel – This former Cardinals and Mets OF/1B would truly, on name alone, be a welcomed (and surprising) plot twist in Two Girls, One Cup series. Call it “A Carmel Twist.”

Candy Cummings – Too easy.

Mark Beavers – Before you make a name in this industry, you gotta Mark a few Beavers, right?

Harry Butts – (cringe)

Newsom Beaver – Ask any guy how he last got action, and he’ll tell you some variation of “Knew some beaver.”

Clyde “Skeet” Wright – To last in porn, it’s important that you Skeet Wright.

Puss Luck – Not much is known about Puss Luck. His date of birth: Unknown. Bats: Unknown. Throws: Unknown. Position: Unknown. Beyond the knowledge that Puss Luck played two minor league seasons in the 1890s, the only thing known about him is that his name is incredible. 

Royce Pussington – Perhaps the most regal of all pussyhound nomenclature.

Bob Horner – (from Landon) “It sounds like a porn ‘stached ‘actor’ with gap power.”

Rusty Kuntz – This isn’t the first time the Royals coach has been mentioned on this site.

Dick Pole – (from Patrick) Redundant as it is awesome.

Any more, you sickos?

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14 Responses to “Retired Baseball Players With Awesome Porn Names”
  1. YRZ says:

    Pud Galvin

  2. Kevin Chanel says:

    Schlong Hardman?

  3. YRZ says:

    Skip Forplae

  4. DMiller says:

    Lance Johnson

    • Jubilee Dunbar says:

      That reminds me!
      My pal Jonny and I would always refer to Lance Johnson as Lance “Spin Her On My “Johnson, as a reference to the movie Heathers.
      Not so amusing in and of itself, until we also started referring to Lance Blankenship as Lance “Spin Her On My” Blankenship.

  5. D. Jeter says:

    Gay Rod.

  6. alan says:

    what about chubby cox? visit the long wang appreciation society on facebook for hundreds more http://www.facebook.com/#!/gro.....2370134628

  7. Cams says:

    Who can forget Dickie Thon???

  8. brad says:

    Um…am I the one seeing the white elephant in the room?!….Randy Johnson AKA..The Big Unit

  9. Hulka says:

    What, no Pete LaCock?

  10. chase says:

    what about Heathcliffe Slocome and Ed Head!

  11. Tom Jackson says:

    What about 19th century SS Jack Glasscock? He should probably be in the HoF…Was he not put in there because of his name? Only The Shadow knows!

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