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November 12, 2008 at 7:50 pm ET
Hot Stove, but No Fire

Headline on my Nationals news feed:テつ Nationals not pursuing Manny.

Quick blurb:

WASHINGTON — There have been several reports recently that the Nationals have expressed interest in free-agent outfielder Manny Ramirez. Not so, according to general manager Jim Bowden.

Color me shocked that the Nats — those of the 59 wins, those frugal Nats who thought that paying rent on their stadium was optional — would not consider the upcoming largest contract in baseball history as an option. Continue reading »

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November 11, 2008 at 2:01 pm ET
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A Personal Story about Josh Willingham

Recently, the Washington Nationals made a trade for Josh Willingham and Scott Olsen.テつ Olsen holds the distinction of being added and dropped from someone’s fantasy roster at least a dozen times over the last two seasons.テつ Willingham’s infamy is a little more personal.

I had partial season tickets for the Nats in left field, about 10 rows or so from the fence.テつ In the first game of my season ticket package there was a homely looking fellow wandering around our section who had it in for Josh Willingham.テつ Fanboy was there by himself, talking to whomever made the mistake of making eye contact with him, and talking loudly enough for everyone in the section to hear him.テつ The bottom of every inning, he started chanting “Wiiiiilllllllling-haaaaam.テつ Wiiiiilllllllling-haaaaaaaam.”テつ Nobody joined him, but it definitely got the attention of the Marlins’ left fielder, who turned around more than a couple times and just shook his head.テつ Attention professional athletes:テつ this is a heckler’s dream come true.テつ Fanboy got even more and more into it, until the game ended and Fanboy was looking for people to high-five him about his awesome heckling.テつ Yeah dude, you showed him. Continue reading »

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August 1, 2008 at 1:51 pm ET
The Nationals “Depth” Chart

After some deadline moves cutting dead weight and lackluster veterans, the Nationals depth chart for August 1st, 2008 looks as follows:

This is a pretty hilarious definition of depth.

Elijah Dukes is playing both left and right field, and we’re going with the very clever, very original empty 1st basemen spot. It’s that sort of forward thinking that’s gonna get us right to the top of the division!

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July 13, 2008 at 5:46 pm ET
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This Isn’t Funny Anymore

In chronological order, here are all of the good things to happen to the Washington Nationals this year:

March 30 — Ryan Zimmerman hits a walk-off home run on opening night

Ryan Zimmerman

And that pretty much gets us up to present day.

After the jump, all of the bad things to happen to the Washington Nationals this season.

Continue reading »

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June 26, 2008 at 12:16 pm ET
Stay Strapped

People who can now legally own firearms in Washington, DC:

Paul Lo Duca

Continue reading »

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June 24, 2008 at 9:46 pm ET
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Ryan Zimmerman Blogs: These are Boring

I don’t know why I feel obligated to continue the ongoing saga of one man’s terrible blog. There’s really nothing there that you probably couldn’t find out through google and press releases. That said, these really entertain me, but not in the normal, Chris Cooley or Gilbert Arenas athlete blogging way.

When Cooley and Arenas blog, they share lengthy looks at some of the more interested parts of their lives.テつ Chris Cooley wrote about how embarrassing it is to get drug tested in the NFL. Arenas has written many, many crazy things over there, some of which you have to read to believe, but I like this one because it sums up what he does so well: He talks about basketball, then tells a personal story. (This one is about his hair falling out after getting a perm to look like Kobe Bryant.)

Zim’s blogs look like they take about 10 minutes, written by someone getting paid to post once a week in between games of grab-ass and weightlifting.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Ryan Zimmerman.テつ He’s a great player and a team leader.テつ But that dude is boring on his blog.テつ So why am I entertained by it?テつ Because the thought of a professional athlete taking time out of grab-ass and weightlifting to sit down at a computer and type out some blog post about his dog or his … well there hasn’t been anything else of substance yet except the dog thing … is funny to me.テつ And I’m not alone.

What’s going on everybody???

Chilling.テつ The yooj.

/wipes Combos-covered hands on shirt.

A lot of shit has happened since you last wrote.テつ Baseball Prospectus is calling us one of the historically bad hitting teams.テつ We’re not putting butts in the seats in the brand new expensive ball park.テつ Oh, and your effing arm fell off.テつ What do you have to say for yourself?

Sorry it has taken so long for me to update my blog.

Sigh.テつ Yeah, and that sucked too.

First off my shoulder is getting stronger and I hope to come back and play this season.テつ As I progress with the rehab I’ll keep everyone posted.

I’m not exactly holding my breath for your detailed, thorough, enlightening updates you know.

The NBA Finals was something else.

Something else other than what you were just writing about.テつ Transitions need work.テつ C-.テつ See me.

No doubt Kobe Bryant is the best player in the NBA…all I’m going to say is that Michael Jordan would not have let that happen.


Congratulations to the Celtics and all of their fans.テつ It must be a great time to be from New England huh???

Yeah, golly, that sounds swell.テつ Teams winning things.テつ What’s that like?テつ If only one of us was in a position to make that happen…

We just got back from a long road trip and I have to tell you the Pacific Northwest is a beautiful part of the country.テつ Seattle is a very under appreciated city.テつ It’s very clean and I know I was not there for the rainy season but it is truly beautiful.テつ It was my first time in that part of the country and I will have to go back.


I fell asleep.テつ What’d I miss?

Miley is getting big and I promise I’m going to post some pics of her soon…patience evryone.テつ Once again thanks for reading and I hope everyone gets out to the park as summer has just started.

You blogged to tell us that your dog – that only you can see – is getting big.テつ No offense dude, but why even bother?テつ What could possibly be the hold up on pictures?テつ Sausage fingers can’t work a camera?テつ Need to go buy a camera?テつ Need someone to explain where you can buy a camera? Need someone to explain how a “camera” can be used to take “pictures” that can then be “uploaded” to a “computer” and then “posted” on a “blog” so that “people” “can” “view” “them”?

Take Care,


Get well soon.

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May 26, 2008 at 9:03 pm ET
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Ryan Zimmerman Blogs!

You’re going to get these as long as I keep entertaining myself with them, so prepare yourself for the latest edition of Ryan Zimmerman Blogs!

So I have to get it out that there is a new lady in my life.

Be still my heart — this could be the best Zim blog ever.
She has even been staying with me for the last week or so.

My mother is quietly judging you.

It has been everything I had wished for and more.

A week together? Yeah, trust me, that shit changes. Wait until she farts in front of you. You’ll question your very being. Continue reading »

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May 18, 2008 at 6:08 pm ET
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Ryan Zimmerman Blogs (Kinda)

I told you I’d be keeping tabs on your blog, Zimmerman. Let’s see what you have to say today


Whoa. That is intense, even for you, Zim. We bloggers are a mellow and simple folk. Try to fit in.

We played well in New York.

Ryan Zimmerman: 3-21. Two homers though.

Anytime you can take 3 of 4 from any team in this league at their place is great.

I was just being a dick before, Zim, and I’m sorry. 3 wins in a series will get you a pat on the back from me. But how about this syntax? “Anytime you [rambling predicate] is great.” Did Borat type this up for you? Is niiiice.

We got timely hitting, good pitching & great defense. I know you all saw the catch Wille Harris made in the 9th inning of the final game of the series. That was one of the greatest catches I have ever seen at any level of baseball. To do it in the 9th inning of a 1-0 game on the road makes that catch that more impressive.

Is that an ampersand?

These NBA playoffs have been CRAZY!!! Can any team win on the road??? I guess that’s why they play the regular season in any sport so that important game 7 can be at your place. I have never seen anything like it.

Never? You’ve never seen home-field advantage rear its head for a small sample of games over the course of 3 weeks?

I always look forward to the Beltway series every season.

I don’t know about any of the rest of you, but we have to come up with a better name for this annual O’s-Nats thing. There is no good reason to call this the Beltway series other than that sportswriters call the Mets-Yankees games a Subway series. That’s it. There is a Baltimore Beltway (695) and a Washington Beltway (495), but they are distinct. You don’t take either beltway to get from Washington to Baltimore. (I know there is a section of 95 that overlaps with 495, but you should probably stay on 295 for as much of this trip as you can.) The name should involve I-95, as that’s the corridor most familiar to people traveling between the metropolises. Battle for 95? I don’t know. You come up with something.

I love the fact that our fans drive over and support us & I also love to hear the O’s fans at our place.

Another ampersand! Ryan types this with two fingers. It takes him seven hours.

It makes it so much fun!!!

What did I say earlier? Take it down a notch.

Also, It’s a road game where I can sleep in my own bed. Anytime during this long season you can sleep in your own bed you have to take advantage of it.

But what about all those fly bitches you coulda pulled down in Baltimore? I thought getting strange ass in AL cities would be a once-a-year treat.

Oh yeah. Baltimore. Probably better to just Huff one out and get to sleep.

Thanks so much for all the great comments…I read them all so keep them coming.

Do you think he read this? If you do, Zim, know that I’m just playing around with you. You’re the franchise & don’t ever change.

Lastly, go UVA Lacrosse this Saturday. They are playing Maryland in the NCAA quarterfinals.

Don’t you mean, GO UVA LACROSSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take Care,


Don’t you change. You keep chicken-pecking these blogs out every two weeks and we are gonna be just fine.

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May 14, 2008 at 3:39 pm ET
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He Who Laughs Last…

Monday: Pitcher Nelson Figueroa gets tagged by the Nationals to the tune of 6 runs, 5 walks, and 5 hits in 5 innings. After the game he complains about the Nationals cheering from the dugout “like a bunch of softball girls.” He went on to say, “If that’s what a last-place team needs to do to fire themselves up, so be it. They could show a little more class, a little more professionalism now that they won tonight, but in the long run, they’re still who they are.”

Tuesday: Nelson Figueroa is designated for assignment. Nelson, please continue to act like a professional.テθ津「竄ャナ。テ窶堙つテθ津「竄ャナ。テ窶堙つ It suits you.テθ津「竄ャナ。テ窶堙つ The Nats will continue to be professional baseball players.テθ津「竄ャナ。テ窶堙つ It suits them just fine.

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May 9, 2008 at 2:19 am ET
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Proving My Age

Something called the Adam/Chu Dance Crew challenged Miley Cyrus and hanger-on Mandy Jiroux to an online dance war. If anyone out there knows what what I’m talking about, your age is probably in the single digits, and I’m probably not interested in hearing anything you have to say. (But I guess almost 4 million people have seen this thing, so what the hell do I know?) All I know is that some famous people are getting served. Served left and served right. Some other famous people are doing the serving.

It has nothing to do with baseball.

Except the Nationals have enough street cred (and I use that term in the lamest sense possible) for actor/singer/rapper/famous person Chris Brown to don the Curly W…

Chris Brown.  No relation.

This is the work of Elijah and Lastings, I just know it. The Greatest Break Dance Online Dance Battle Dance War video after the jump. Unless you’re young enough to legally be attracted to Hannah Montana, you probably don’t give a shit. Also featured include Lindsay Lohan, Diana Ross, and Adam Sandler. And here I thought rehab would be the only way to get those three together.

Continue reading »

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